OCT. 8, 12:39 A.M.: All was relaxed inside one very fluorescent convenience store in the 4300 block of Silver Star Road this early morning. This midnight calm, however, was about to be broken.

A pudgy dude walked inside with a black T-shirt wrapped around his head. He had a handgun and demanded dough – and make it fast – from the cash register. The clerk warned him that there was only $20 to be had from the register, which the robber deemed acceptable. Just then a customer strolled in.

The suspect split, but not before threatening the store clerk. He told her “the only reason he did not shoot her is because she was black” and that she was “going to pay for this” when she got off work, police reports state. Then he scrammed, eastbound.

OCT. 23, 8:03 A.M.: Why is it that the criminal element in Orlando seems so attracted to houses of worship?

This time around it was a portable building on the property of a Baptist church in the 500 block of South Semoran Boulevard that took a hit.

The offices located inside the church’s portable were locked, but that didn’t stop these burglars. They used a tool or tools unknown to pry open all locks, and then extracted an unexciting blue-and-yellow dish containing $5 in loose change.

Then they got to the good stuff: an $800 laptop and a 160GB hard drive valued at $160. After sacking the good stuff, they got back to the trivial, lifting two screwdrivers valued at $20, a $10 flashlight and a $45 radio walkie-talkie equipped with charger before fleeing this house – or portable, rather – of God.

OCT. 23, 9:04 A.M.: A football arena in the 300 block of South Graham Avenue fell victim to the nefarious plans of burglar(s) this week.

The locks on a pair of PODS, or portable storage units, were sliced off with the help of a mystery tool, according to reports. Then the suspect or suspects struck gold in the first unit, swiping a 32-inch Zenith TV valued at $500. Moving on, they heisted four Daewoo 600-watt microwaves, white in hue.

But what good is a hot, microwaved meal without an icy beverage to go along with it? That’s why three boxes of drinking glasses were toted, too. The snazzy new $180 glasses “have Orlando Predator on one side and a Budweiser logo on the opposite side,” police reports add, and are sold exclusively at games. (Be on the lookout if a couple dozen show up at your buddy’s tailgating party.) Last but not least, a box of “AFL replica footballs” were swiped, valued at approximately $90.

An employee advised that recently two neighbors “have asked to park in the rear of their business … after hours for a party that they were having,” reports add. Very interesting.

OCT. 26, 12:15 A.M.: Lifting copper scraps has become the totally in thing to do this fall season. All the dopest delinquents are doing it.

On this day, copper was extracted from a store specializing in the creation and distribution of ice in the 2600 block of Kunze Avenue. The frosty business is well-guarded by a 6-foot-high chain-link fence, but in this case the perimeter was violated anyway. Our burglar or burglars were able to carve a rather large hole into the fence and headed straight to the nearest freezer.

The hand-carved ice sculptures were of no interest; neither were the hefty bags of cubes. They were after precious metal: copper tubing that was “cut from the condensing unit used to cool one of the freezers,” police reports state.

Damage is estimated at $1,900, reports add.

OCT. 26, 10:35 A.M.: When copper isn’t around, Orlando’s denizens of the criminal underworld will settle for boat motors.

Trouble began brewing in the 2200 block of Paseo Avenue this Friday morning when a postal worker noted a very peculiar man. The blue-jeaned passerby was busily pedaling his blue 10-speed bicycle down the road, though not for leisure. This cyclist was making his way down Michigan Street with something that looked an awful lot like a marine outboard engine slung over his back.

Apparently, the cyclist had just paid a local boat superstore a visit. Instead of going home with a sweet new cruiser, he employed the old five-finger discount. His catch: three boat trolling motors, an industrial fan and an unknown amount of “aluminum Bimini canopy poles,” police reports state. Total value of the nautical goods was approximately $3,750.

But it all proved to be too much for one person to haul on a bicycle, apparently. The business’ general service manager told police that he later spotted two of the motors and a pair of aluminum poles outside the business in some brush.

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