July 11

(2009-327018) 6:10 a.m.: A guy broke into a business and removed a bunch of merch. Apparently, he hurt himself in the process. Shattered glass is sharp.

(2009-327043) 6:37 a.m.: It's been awhile since this column had a good old-fashioned knife fight. So here's one, courtesy of Officer Sahs: "On the above date and time, while in the 300 block of North Lee Avenue a black male suspect by the name of `redacted` cut the victim multiple times with an unknown knife. The victim then pulled out his pocket knife and stabbed the suspect in the neck. The suspect then fled on foot heading toward Bentley Street and North Westmoreland Drive. The suspect was described as a black male, 29 years of age, 6 feet tall, medium build, who was last seen wearing all black. At 0824 hours, a black male matching the above male description went to `an address in Parramore` and asked the resident for help. It shall be noted that the black male appeared to have been cut in the neck."

The Jets and the Sharks could not be reached for comment.

(2009-327368) 12:11 p.m.: At the ghetto-est of ghetto trailer parks — this one's bad even by OBT standards — a man pointed a gun at four victims and forced them to lie down while his criminal partner went through their pockets and removing their belongings.

(2009-327449) 1:39 p.m.: Two teenagers shot another teenager in the back. Somebody's going to emergency; somebody's going to jail.

(2009-328306) 11:54 p.m.: Somebody flagged down Officer Evancoe and reported a trespasser inside the Plaza; the suspect became "disorderly and combative" and basically forced Evancoe to beat the snot out of him.

July 12

(2009-328406) 12:49 a.m.: Vehicle fire. The cops suspect arson.

(2009-328411) 12:54 a.m.: From the incidents-tourism-folks-would-rather-you-didn't-know-about file: A young man a few weeks shy of his 19th birthday was stabbed and killed at an International Drive hotel.

(2009-328463) 1:37 a.m.: This is what a Jedi might refer to as "aggressive negotiations": "The victim and the suspect were scheduled to meet in reference to a business deal, at which time the suspect produced a handgun and robbed the victim."

(2009-328672) 4:26 a.m.: Someone threw a cinderblock through a minimart's window, but didn't bother to steal anything.

(2009-328730) 5:45 a.m.: "On the above date and time, while in the area of East Pine Street and South Rosalind `Avenue`, two unknown male suspects … were seen rummaging through the victim's back pockets and fled on foot after possibly taking the victim's credit card and Blackberry phone."

(2009-329279) 3:13 p.m.: Sometimes crime pays: "Unknown suspect(s) entered the listed office building `on Major Boulevard` and removed approximately $9,500 in traveler's checks, a laptop and approximately $100,000 in attractions tickets."

(2009-329281) 3:15 p.m.: "On today's date, two residents at Maxwell Terrace got into a physical altercation. One combatant returned with a knife in her hand. That combatant was arrested."

(2009-329565) 7:25 p.m.: A homeless guy allegedly battered a cop, then went to the hospital. What happened between those two events isn't mentioned in the police report.

(2009-329739) 9:27 p.m.: If you live in certain sections of North Orange Blossom Trail, your front porch isn't a good place to store bicycles.

(2009-329740) 9:27 p.m.: Someone smashed through the front door of a chiropractor's office but didn't take anything.

(2009-329743) 9:28 p.m.: Someone tried to break into an elementary school portable; it's unclear how successful that someone was.

July 14

(2009-332035) 7:46 a.m.: Someone broke into an elementary school's cafeteria and stole "a floor buffer, cleaning supplies, toilet paper and disposable gloves." There were no signs of forced entry; this is the second such incident in the building in a week. Mysterious.

(2009-332097) 8:56 a.m.: Speaking of mysteries, our final dastardly villain gained entry to an auto auction business "by unknown means." Since this joint has a "10-foot chain linked fence surrounding the entire property and one foot in is a 12-foot electrified fence," as Officer Yochelson reports, this criminal would seem to have employed some James Bond skills — after which he stole the airbags from 22 cars. To recap, after hopping an electrified fence, somehow, dude nicked airbags.

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