Orlando's most wanted 

Let Rumsfeld worry about the remnants of Saddam's regime -- homeland security requires that these enemies of the Sunshine State be captured or killed at all costs.

click to enlarge 0501_qdiamondsjpg

Her boyfriend's band finally played that career-making Tuesday-night gig at Kashmir, and now all of us luckless spuds on her e-mail list are going to spend the next three months reliving the magic moment in pictures -- fuzzy, unpleasant pictures that emphasize her bongo-playing boo over lesser lights like the vocalist and lead guitarist. Be sure to click on the hyperlink to the group's official Internet site, where our hard-working webmistress provides 'round-the-clock news updates, member likes/dislikes and a surprisingly detailed discography of the combo's two indie releases. Think she's obsessive-compulsive now? Wait until she gets actual pets.

click to enlarge 0501_qspadesjpg

It's not Shelley Long, but an incredible simulation. This frankly unsettling soccer mom has revealed to friends that she suffers from mild bipolar disorder, but a look at her spotless medical records reveals that she's just plain weird. Specialty: Making inappropriate remarks to her son's overnight guests. Dabbles in: Salad-bar crying jags.

click to enlarge 0501_kclubsjpg

Recently set foot out of his house for the first time in six years, solely to attend a public burning of Dixie Chicks memorabilia.

click to enlarge 0501_kheartsjpg

Where would your automotive budget be without this altruistic unlicensed mechanic, who will repair your chariot at a fraction of the cost charged by the big boys? There's no red tape. No hassle. No fuss. No tax. No receipt. And no chance of restitution when your transmission falls apart on the East-West. Almost as bad, he insists on calling you "Junior," though he knows neither your father's name nor yours, and displays scant interest in learning.

click to enlarge 0501_qheartsjpg

A Khalil Gibran quote sits atop the mantle of this spiritual dilettante's sumptuous Lake Mary home, the product of years of meditative discipline and corporate malfeasance. While others revel in the emptiness of our materialistic Western society, her social calendar is a wonderland of tax-deductible donations to East Asian outreach projects. Believes in reiki, faeries, auras and the trickle-down theory of economics.

click to enlarge 0501_qclubsjpg

Dance to the left, dance to the right, but stay the hell away from this frisky Parrothead, who compensates for the stultifying rigidity of her white-collar job by getting rip-roaring drunk on weekends and giggling like a bobby-soxer over innocuous lyrical references to sensimilla. God forbid you're in her vicinity when Buffett -- pardon us, Buf-FETT! -- begins wafting from an outdoor loudspeaker: You're liable to take an indignant judo chop to the solar plexus if you somehow resist the urge to do the Shark Dance.

click to enlarge 0501_jspadesjpg

Perhaps you've seen this self-styled town crier bearing down on you from behind the wheel of his big honkin' family-utility vehicle. But his real calling is ruining Orlando's few outdoor-dining experiences as he regales all at home with the stirring tale of today's polenta choices. If there was ever the possibility that he'd one day come up for air, it evaporated the minute Flight 93 went down. Now he's certain that he's just one crisis away from being goddamned Paul Revere.

click to enlarge 0501_jheartsjpg

This straight shooter prides himself on calling 'em like he sees 'em, and he doesn't give a fig what the PC thought police have to say about it. So you can count on him referring to everyone from Cedric the Entertainer to Kofi Annan as "the colored guy," and ribbing his female coworkers that their testiness while in his presence is probably due to "that time of the month." He's currently planning a move to L.A., because innumerable nights alone have convinced him that there's nothing going on in Orlando.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

Latest in Dog Playing Poker


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

May 12, 2021

View more issues


© 2021 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation