click to enlarge Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending

Opening in Orlando: 'Jupiter Ascending,' 'Seventh Son,' 'The Spongebob Movie: Sponge out of Water' 

Jupiter Ascending: Saying that the Wachowski sibs make commercial disappointments is like calling the Holocaust "regrettable." Speed Racer, Cloud Atlas ... their list of expensive flops is longer than Michael Fassbender's inseam. Into that tradition walks Jupiter Ass Ending (bless you, Autocorrect!), a sci-fi actioner that puts Channing Tatum on the trail of a princess played by Mila Kunis. Postponed from its planned summer 2014 release to a less (ahem!) competitive February 2015 slot, the movie had a surprise debut at this year's Sundance Film Festival – to a reaction that was, reportedly, wholesale derision. More than a week before the picture's national rollout, prognosticators were debating how many millions the studio was set to lose. So I guess the Wachowskis are finished in the industry, huh? Heck, no! This is Warner Brothers we're talking about. Failure is the only thing they know how to reward. How do you think Zack Snyder pays his mortgage? (PG-13)

Seventh Son: The release of Seventh Son may mark the moment at which America finally admits en masse that Jeff Bridges has become a really awful actor. Oh, I know you have his picture on a T-shirt – along with a slogan claiming that he "abides" for some reason. But be honest: When was the last time you found him remotely believable as any character whatsoever – even "Jeff Bridges"? In his latest outing, the scion of the Sea Hunt empire plays an ancient knight searching for an apprentice; apparently, he's stepped into that role by affecting a vocal delivery that's equal parts Anglo pretension and talking with your mouth full. Porridge time at Hogwarts? Universal should be so lucky. What we've got here looks a lot less like Harry Potter and a lot more like Highlander. The second one. (PG-13)

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water: Back in 1998, what did you think you'd be doing come 2015? If the answer is "Eagerly awaiting the second SpongeBob Squarepants movie," then this is your week to howl, boy. And if you never stopped loving Guns 'n Roses, then you'll be tickled pink that "Welcome to the Jungle" is the soundtrack to the promos for this second foray into (and then away from) Bikini Bottom. I don't have a problem with any of that – I've got no beef with Le Sponge, and I'm always in the mood for some Axl. I'm just worried that 2016 is going to bring a Teletubbies movie. With music by Candlebox. (PG)


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