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click to enlarge 'Furious 7'

'Furious 7'

Opening in Orlando: 'Danny Collins,' 'Effie Gray,' 'Furious 7' and more 

Danny Collins: Do you have a natural aversion to movies where everyone in the trailer is laughing good-naturedly but you can't hear a word of what's being said? If so, GOOD CALL! The setup to this one: Al Pacino plays an aging rock star who takes his life in a new direction after he learns that John Lennon wrote him a letter 40 years ago. Now remember what John Lennon was doing in 1975: worrying about getting kicked out of the country and crawling back to Yoko after having spent a year staggering around Los Angeles with a sanitary napkin on his head. God knows what a guy in that situation would have to say to the Al Pacino of 2015. "Don't make Two for the Money, mate"? (R)

Effie Gray: Here's the kind of story that makes a male critic's testicles crawl back into his body like they're on the run from It Follows. Famed art reviewer John Ruskin starts to lose his marbles, and his wife's biggest concern is that his condition will draw attention to the affair she's been carrying on with – wait for it – a young artist whose work Ruskin had championed. Jesus, what a nightmare. If I ever find my mental faculties starting to go, I sure hope my last conscious realization isn't that my significant other is having it off with a Duplass. (PG-13)

Furious 7: Hey, Vin Diesel: We know how hard it can be for a guy like you. You work at your craft all your life. You shave your head every day whether you feel like it or not. And then what happens? The role of Lex Luthor goes to Jesse Eisenberg. Hey, at least you have the Fast and the Furious franchise to fall back on. But enjoy it while you can: The law of diminishing returns is robbing this property of not only its "artistic" relevance, but its very syllables as well. Just look at how those titles are dwindling. Do you really want to be remembered as the guy who stuck around to make Fur 9? Or, God forbid, F11? That's not even a movie; it's a command key. Think of the reviews: "Yeah, this sucker really fills the screen." (PG-13)

Woman in Gold: Before they discovered the safe, therapeutic hobby of flying passenger planes into mountain ranges, the Germans were actually kinda dicks. For instance, did you know they stole people's paintings? Honest to God! They just up and swiped family portraits that weren't even their property, forcing folks like Helen Mirren to spend six decades trying to get the things back. All of which leads me to wonder what we're going to be retrieving from ISIS in 2075: Selfies from a trip to Dave & Buster's? (PG-13) 

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