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Life's little destruction manual 


SING like no one can hear you.
DANCE like no one is watching you.
LOVE like you've never been hurt.

And while you're at it ...

DRINK like you still have a driver's license.

SMOKE like your ex gets the emphysema.

CARBO-LOAD like tempura's a vegetable.

LIE like you work at USA Today.

SCREW like you just got out of women's prison. (Alternate version for women already in prison: SCREW like it'll get you paroled.)

SHOOT POOL like nobody's waiting for the table; SHOOT UP like nobody's waiting for the slab.

SCULPT like you once made a sale.

PILLAGE like the Huns are handing out merit badges.

BLOG like the whole dorm is reading.

YODEL like you're retaining Ricola.

Throw your hands in the air; WAVE 'EM AROUND like you just don't care. If you do care a little, try not to let on.

FIST like it's somebody else's hand.

HUNT like the deer have a death wish; FISH like the trout are Al Qaeda; PULL WINGS OFF HELPLESS FLIES like they're helpless flies and you can get away with it.

RECITE POETRY like somewhere, somehow, Kerouac wants you to.

COHABITATE like the cops can't find your house.

VOGUE like the operation was a success.

BLUFF like you're holding an ace; CALL BLUFFS like you're holding a snub-nose.

CAKE UP like blow comes in Big Grabs.

BOWL like a beast.

DUMP STOCKS like the feds are in the john.

TAN like carcinoma's a turn-on.

SKI like your spine's made of tungsten.

WORK OUT like you'll ever see a legitimate result.

DOCTOR-SHOP like you honestly need the Oxycontin.

SURF like the sun makes you smarter.

RAISE ROTTWEILERS like you don't use that forearm for nuthin'.

SKATE like it is a crime after all.

DRIVE like Mr. Toad is on your ass.

PLAY FINAL FANTASY like it's your prom, because it probably is.

PREVARICATE like ... well, what do you mean by "like," anyway?

GOLF like it's not evil.

ROCK like you're some guy at the State Fair who thinks he rocks like a hurricane.

QUILT like somebody gives a shit.

GOVERN like your brother is counting the votes.


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