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I WANT A MINK-LINED TEACUP 


I want a disco ball 8 feet wide. I want inflatable cutlery. I want a clipper ship and a full crew of sailors. I want a pair of goats who can sing all of the Bacharach-David songbook. I want to ride an elephant. I want a night-vision ant farm. I want a document shredder. I want a glow-in-the-dark rabbit. I want to be a blonde for a week.

I want a government-mandated four-day work week. I want an amendment to the constitution abolishing tattoo flash – if you're getting a tattoo, you should have to come up with something original. And blue curaçao. That stuff ought to be illegal too. I want Martha Stewart to be named head of the Department of Homeland Security. I want catnip toys of the Bush cabinet, so I can watch my cat gnaw on Dick Cheney's head. I want a legal remedy against people who misuse the word "literally." I want all museums to have free admission. I want people in Florida to stop trying to grow grass.

I want Gram Parsons to come back from the dead and kick Ryan Adams' ass. I want Helmut Newton and Richard Avedon to come back from the dead and shoot elementary-school portraits. I want a snow day. I want a library card. I want a mink-lined teacup. I'd like to buy the world a Coke. I want to stage a Velvet Revolution. Can I get a witness?

I want a way to record and play back my dreams. I want all elective cosmetic surgery to magically reverse itself on New Year's Day, 2005. I want to learn how to play the theremin, how to operate a letterpress and how to make a perfect piecrust. I want to take more naps. I want a flock of swallows to follow me everywhere I go. I wanna play on the monkey bars. I want a pony. I want my mommy.

I want everyone in America to read the same book at the same time. I want a birth control pill for men. I'll have the veggie plate. I want Halle Berry to quit it, already. I want Godard to make a decent movie again. I want a Trader Joe's to open in Orlando. And a decent breakfast place. Baby needs a new pair of shoes. I'd like to start a tab, please. I should very much enjoy the pleasure of your company. I'd like to have a word with you. I want to be in full compliance. Make mine a double.

I want a chocolate soup bowl. I want a candle that smells like a library. I want perfume that smells like rain on hot asphalt. I want a diamond ring. I want an Airstream trailer. I want my hairdresser to move back from New York. I want wasabi-flavored Jell-O. I want a typewriter for my charm bracelet. I want new sunglasses. I want Pucci underwear. I want a square egg press.

I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island too. I want you to want me. I wanna be adored. Now I wanna be your dog. I wanna see a sea of hands out there. I just want your extra time and your kiss. Could someone carefully replace the jams, please?

I want a personal astrologer. I want an iBook, even though it will just sit on my desk, and an iPod, even though I never walk anywhere. I wish my apartment had maid service and room service. I want a subscription to the New York Times, and time to read it.

I want a bathtub carved out of quartz. I want a digital DVD projector and a white bedsheet. I want new down pillows. I want my Adidas jacket back. I wish I had detachable arms (but not artificial ones, no amputation, thanks). I want fresh flowers. I want the new Vivienne Westwood book. I want a wooden bicycle. I want a John Currin painting. I want a Gregory Crewdson photograph. I want gravity boots. I want a pound of feathers. I want a new sofa. I want to go to Paris. And Tokyo. And Iceland. I want the Leonard Bernstein Young People's Concerts DVD box set. I want a Tivoli Kloss table radio. I want a box of glass eyeballs. I want a new cell phone. I want a monkey and an ocelot. I want a coat made out of licorice and a Styrofoam trumpet. Oh, and world peace. Wrap it up – I'll take it.

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