I Love Television 


Bow down! I said, "BOW down, you unworthy tub of crap!" Bow down before the wondrous, exalted majesty of his holiness, C. Thomas Howell. WHAT?!? You did NOT just pretend to be ignorant of C. Thomas Howell's contributions to society. What kind of contributions? Oh. Well … like … like … The Outsiders, jerkhole! C. Thomas Howell acted the SHIT out of that movie as Ponyboy Curtis. (Like when he bawled like a baby over the peeling, blistered skin of burn victim Ralph Macchio? If I had been there, I would've thrown up!)

Like what else? OK … like … mmmm, like … like … Red Dawn! Oh, hell to the YEAH! Red Dawn was extra-awesome because C. Thomas Howell went all ape-poop, killing hordes of stinking commies and guzzling down jugs of deer's blood like it was strawberry Nesquik. (Now, THAT'S dedication to your country. Hippie.)

And what else? Geez, you're bustin' my sack here! FINE. Like … like, like, like, like, like … oh! Like SOUL MAN, playa! That's where C. Thomas Howell pretended to be black to snag a college scholarship! And while this role would've ended a lesser actor's career, Howell went on to star in such timeless classics as the volleyball movie Side Out, the made-for-TV movie Killer Bees! and an episode of Battle of the Network Stars. Hmmm. OK, maybe Soul Man kinda killed his career.

HOWEVER! Ponyboy! And that Russky-shootin' teen who drank deer's blood! Those roles alone are enough to seal his fate as one of Hollywood's most criminally forgotten actors. Happily for everyone alive, the Fox hit 24 (9 p.m. Monday) is single-handedly reviving the careers of many overlooked actors – including Designing Women's Jean Smart, The Goonies' Sean Astin and Twin Peaks' Ray Wise – and will now be spotlighting the awe-inspiring talents of one C. THOMAS HOWELL. (Sob! We are so unworthy!)

But will this role live up to C. Thomas Howell's estimable talents? Judge for yourself! Thus far in 24, super-agent Jack Bauer has been tracking terrorists who are threatening to squirt nerve gas all over an unsuspecting populace! (Jerks.) Meanwhile, Jack's daughter Kim (the hotsy-totsy Elisha Cuthbert) discovers her father is not dead, as she was led to believe, and for reasons that are unknown to me at this time, invites her therapist to help Jack deal with the escalating situation. And the therapist is C. Thomas Howell! OH, BOY! What I wouldn't do to have C. Thomas Howell as my therapist. My current therapist is a goddamn QUACK who keeps telling me my problem is that I need to get LAID. (Jerk.)

Anyway, I cannot WAIT to see these episodes. Maybe C. Thomas Howell's therapist is just as hot for Elisha Cuthbert as I am and tries to sleep with her! Sure, that could be considered unethical, but maybe Elisha's "problem" is that she needs to get LAID. And if you ask me, those terrorists need to get LAID as well! But then, I'm no therapist. What I am is a diehard fan of C. THOMAS HOWELL: actor, humanitarian, inspiration. May this bit part in 24 be only the beginning of juicier roles to come. Stay golden, Soul Man – I mean, Ponyboy!

Join the C. Thomas Howell fan club at …
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, FEB. 23
8 P.M. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
The final three contestants put on their fruity costumes for the next-to-the-last time!

8 P.M. CBS SURVIVOR: PANAMA
One of the tribe members turns out to be more annoying than a two-hour episode of Dancing With the Stars.

FRIDAY, FEB. 24
10 P.M. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Boomer gives birth to her Cylon baby while the other dead Boomer is downloaded into a new Cylon Boomer. Sob! It's so confusing!

SATURDAY, FEB. 25
8 P.M. NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
Tonight it's the biathlon, where you ski as fast as you can and then shoot guns. Yeeee-HAW!

10:30 P.M. TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED
Green Arrow is forced to go on a mission with the lamest heroes EVER.

SUNDAY, FEB. 26
8 P.M. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season Finale! Oh, thank GOD. Keep repeating to yourself, "It's just two more hours."

9 P.M. CBS THE BOURNE IDENTITY
(Movie, 2002) Matt Damon tries to convince us he's not a big puss in this tale of an amnesiac super-spy.

MONDAY, FEB. 27
8 P.M. FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES
The final three "celebrities" compete; strangely, none made the Olympic team.

9 P.M. FOX 24
Old-timey celebrity wash-up alert! Actor Peter Weller (Buckaroo Banzai) stars as Jack's old mentor!

TUESDAY, FEB. 28
9 P.M. CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season Premiere! A new batch of ugly Americans race around the world while insulting foreign cabdrivers.

10 P.M. FX THE SHIELD
Think Kavanaugh has a tough time controlling the Strike Team? Wait until his EX-WIFE shows up!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1
9 P.M. ABC LOST
It's ladies' night when Claire, Kate and Rosseau visit the site of Claire's kidnapping.

9:30 P.M. FOX FREE RIDE
Debut! A "comedy" about a guy who moves back with his parents. For this they canceled Arrested Development?


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