I Love Television 


FYI: I do NOT make a conscious decision to be evil. Yes, I beat up nerds. Yes, I toy with my lovers' hearts the way a cat slashes away at a mouse's face. And yes, I intentionally say things to inflame the fundamentalist Christian/Islamic-Muslim/Republican/Jenny Craig-Weight Watchers community. HOWEVER! By not physically stopping me from performing these despicable antics, YOU are just as responsible. See, my readers are like little demons inside my brain, sending me very specific instructions on whom I should offend. "Oh, that joke you made last week about Alzheimer's sufferers was priceless. How about one about triple amputees?"

And you little demons are just as bad when it comes to reality shows. When MTV's The Real World first went on the air, the cast was made up of normal people. The current cast of The Real World: Key West (10 p.m. Tuesdays) are like a hot version of the inmates from Escape From New York. They're a bunch of big-tittied, mojito-sucking sociopaths whose only goal in life is to destroy each other in front of a national audience.

How did things progress to this level? It's all thanks to li'l devils like you and me. We refuse to show any interest in reality shows until something deranged occurs – and then? We eat it up like a bowl of cocaine spaghetti. Afterward it's BRRRRING! BRRRRING! Cue the Pavlovian response of the show's producers, who say, "Well, if the audience liked those crazy people, what if we put together a cast of REALLY crazy people … and give them shotguns?"

While there aren't any shotguns on the new reality show Unan1mous (debuting 9:30 p.m. Wednesday on Fox), it's still early in the season. I'll explain more in just a moment … but first … WHAT IS UP WITH THAT DUMBASS NAME? Look, I'm really getting tired of all this text-message bullshit worming its way into TV-show titles. First there was Num3ers … which is pronounced "Numb-three-ers?" Now, it's Unan1mous, which is … "Unan-one-mous?" AUGHH! Stop it, why don't you? JUST STOP IT!!!

Okay, my Thorazine just kicked in, so let's get back on topic. The plot for Unan1mous is simple: Stick nine fawking insane people in a bunker and dangle $1.5 million in front of them. But here's the twist: None of the cast members can leave the bunker until they come to a unanimous decision about which one of them wins the prize money. AND TO COMPLICATE MATTERS: A "money clock" will count down, reducing the value of the prize until a decision is made. AND TO COMPLICATE MATTERS FURTHER: This cast is possibly the biggest crowd of pee-holes ever assembled, including a "choreographer/bowhunter," a "gay activist," a "female conservative minister," an "atheist liberal," a "young Republican," a "very opinionated writer" (not me) and other wildly diverse dooky-wipes. And they're all trapped in a small bunker trying to convince each other why they deserve all that money.

Will they kill each other? PROBABLY. And it's all because YOU can't be satisfied with a bunch of nice people talking about nice things, or TV columnists who don't use the word "dooky-wipes." YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

There is no "me" in devil, but there is an "I."
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, MARCH 16

8 P.M. ABC AMERICAN INVENTOR
Debut! American Idol's Simon Cowell invents the worst idea for a reality show EVER!

9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
It's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," and Michael strikes up an unhealthy relationship with a 5-year-old.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17
9 P.M. SCI DOCTOR WHO
Debut! The king of the geeky sci-fi show returns, as a time-traveling doctor and his sexy assistant set off for adventure.

9:30 P.M. WB MODERN MEN
Debut! Three confused jerks hire a hotsy life coach … played by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?!?

SATURDAY, MARCH 18
8 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT
Debut! Pro wrestling returns to NBC … even though I don't recall it being invited.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19
8 P.M. FOX THE SIMPSONS
In the most awesome plot twist ever, a monkey takes Bart hostage.

9 P.M. VH1 THE SURREAL LIFE
Season Premiere! Tawny Kitaen, Florence Henderson and George from The Jeffersons shack up for the sixth season.

MONDAY, MARCH 20
8 P.M. FOX PRISON BREAK
Michael comes up with a crazy plan to keep Lincoln alive. Hmm, does it involve a "prison break"?

9 P.M. FOX 24
It's "foreigners" to the rescue when Interpol steps in to help Jack track Bierko.

TUESDAY, MARCH 21
10 P.M. FX THE SHIELD
Season Finale! It's the final showdown between Vic and Kavanaugh – and somebody won't be around next season.

10 P.M. BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
Debut! A cross between Desperate Housewives and The O.C., which is so dumb it must be brilliant.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22
9:30 P.M. FOX UNAN1MOUS
Debut! Nine crazy people sharing a bunker? Why, that's "inc3d1ble!"

10 P.M. NBC HEIST
Debut! A gang of crooks plan to rob Rodeo Drive jewelry stores on the eve of the Oscars!


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