I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Omigod, I love to eat. And frankly, I'll pretty much eat anything — if the food has chocolate- or nacho-flavored dust on it, you can bet your sweet ass I'll be cramming it down my gullet. ON THE OTHER HAND, I'm no blithering idiot when it comes to fancy-pantsy haute cuisine. Why, I even have my own goose farm in my backyard so I can fatten those fowls up, surgically remove their engorged livers and dine on rich, fatty foie gras whenever I goddamn please.

;;That's why I'm particularly pleased by the return of the competitive cooking show Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 p.m. Monday). It's like engorging the goose liver OF YOUR MIND. In this awesome reality show, 12 cooks of varying abilities are brought under the tutelage of one the world's most renowned (and dickish) chefs, Gordon Ramsay. For the weeks that follow, the cooks are put though a hellish kitchen boot camp, where they're forced to work 'round the clock to prepare meals for the snooty and demanding clientele of the Hell's Kitchen restaurant.

;;However, due to their lack of experience, almost every dinner service is the culinary equivalent of Auschwitz, with Ramsay screaming and throwing food on the floor, and unfed diners stomping out the door in a hungry huff. Then every week, the worst of the worst is kicked off the show until only the grand-prize winner remains — who will become the executive chef of an extremely fancy Las Vegas resort! Sounds great, right? Well, not if you're going to be eating at the fancy resort! That's because every contestant on this season's Hell's Kitchen lacks the mental wherewithal to prepare a cake in an Easy-Bake Oven.

;;Now, perhaps you've seen the Bravo network's Top Chef, which is kind of like Project Runway for foodies. The main difference between Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen is that all the Top Chef contestants are actual chefs at the top of their collective game. Hell's Kitchen, on the other hand, is like the Special Olympics of the food industry, with the contestants boasting such impressive résumé-builders as "cafeteria worker," "caterer," "deli manager" and "prison cook." In fact, only one of the contestants is a professional sous chef, and she ends up running her ass off around the kitchen, putting out fires caused by the wannabes.

;;On the other hand, that's what makes Hell's Kitchen such a humiliating joy. Chef Ramsay is obviously only used to working with seasoned pros, and when these knuckleheads start destroying his kitchen, the poop hits the fan. "MOVE YOUR FAT ASS!" he screams. "STOP SWEATING IN THE FOOD, YOU PIG!" he cries. Or as he famously said to a contestant in Season One: "YOU COOK LIKE OLD PEOPLE FUCK!" Wow. That hurt a lot of people's feelings all at once.

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;And while it may be disheartening to watch all that food get tossed into garbage cans, at least Chef Ramsay has the good sense to smash the undercooked risotto into the contestants' chests first. Though I will always love me some foie gras, nothing goes down nicer than a steaming hot plate of humiliation (nacho-cheese flavored)!

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THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

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THURSDAY, JUNE 22
;8 P.M. ABC MASTER OF CHAMPIONS
;Debut! An assortment of freaks competes in this talent show based on the bizarro Japanese TV series!

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;;9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
;Another terrific repeat featuring Michael taking the employees on a drunken booze cruise.
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;FRIDAY, JUNE 23
;9:30 P.M. COM SOUTH PARK
;Don't miss this repeat episode where Chef is lured into a child-molesting cult (which is nothing like the Scientologists).
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;SATURDAY, JUNE 24
;8 P.M. FOX COPS
;A man fears for his life because of his drunken, violent and belligerent wife. See, it's funny because she's a WOMAN!
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;;9 P.M. SCI ANDROID APOCALYPSE
;(Movie, 2006) Man and android learn to get along in a post-apocalyptic wilderness. I don't care what anyone says, androids BLOW.
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;SUNDAY, JUNE 25
;9:30 P.M. FOX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
;The gang has some fun with the news that Charlie was molested by his gym teacher.
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10:30 P.M. HBO LUCKY LOUIE
; Check out this hilariously dirty sitcom starring very funny comedian Louis CK!
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; MONDAY, JUNE 26
; 8 P.M. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
; It's two full hours of sweet, sweet humiliation when Chef Ramsay pits the guys against the girls — plus, another chef has a mental breakdown over an undercooked plate of noodles.
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; TUESDAY, JUNE 27
; 9 P.M. NBC LAST COMIC STANDING
; The comics are given a spontaneity exam on Adam Corolla's radio show.
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10 P.M. COM DOG BITES MAN
; Check out this funny cross between Reno 911 and The Daily Show, about a dimwitted local news team.
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; WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28
; 8 P.M. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
; A glorious two-hour episode featuring the top 16 dancers (many of whom dance like they're epileptics).
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;;10 P.M. SPIKE BLADE: THE SERIES
;Debut! Finally! The awesome vampire film comes to TV! (Wait. There's no Wesley Snipes? Forget it.)

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