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I LOVE TELEVISION 


Note to "world": I no longer require your services. Why? Because I have a "computer" that fulfills my every need. In fact, this "computer" fulfills needs I never knew I had — like "porn needs." Frankly, world, you suck at fulfilling my "porn needs." And what about my "watching funny videos of people attempting unsuccessful backflips off the top of a house" needs? The Internet can provide one at a moment's notice. And how many have YOU sent me? That's right, ZEROOOOOOOOO!

I also have no further need for the phone company, since I refuse to address anyone unless it's via text message or e-mail. So for that crazy crackhead who stands outside my office window and screams, "I'm gonna kill you, Humpy!! Kill you, kill you, KILL YOU!!!" — maybe you can instant-message me? Otherwise you're going to have to stand in line; I'm too busy fighting busty, half-nude teenage ninjas — ON MY "COMPUTER."

And that goes quadruple for my television. I am so technologically superior, I can no longer bear to look at you. Let's say I want to see David Hasselhoff — NOW!! There's only a 1 in 50 chance he'll be on TV at any given moment. But on my computer? Within 10 seconds I'm not only looking at the Hoff … I'm staring at him in a SPEEDO. Television? Puh-leeze! How can you even compare?

Thanks to the "computer," I can download my fave shows whenever I want. If I want people kicking each other in the Scrabble bag, I download MTV's Viva La Bam. If I want amoral sitcoms, I download the hilarious It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And if I want people to know I'm a big freaking nerd, I download the amazingly addictive serialized cartoon Star Wars: Clone Wars. (All are available for $1.99 a pop at iTunes.)

Plus I can get free episodes of Lost, Alias, All My Children (from abc.go.com) and the censored South Park episode "Trapped in the Closet" — starring Tom Cruise, R. Kelly and a bunch of Scientologists (contemporary
insanity.org
). And, starting Thursday, July 13, I can also get free, never-before-seen webisodes of my fave sitcom, The Office (www.nbc.com).

"Hold on there, Humpy, you freaking techno-nerd!" I hear you cry. "I am going to punch you in the face if I ever hear you utter the word ‘webisode' again." Well, good luck — because I'll be in the FUTURE watching WEBISODE after WEBISODE after WEBISODE. Meanwhile, you'll be stuck in the old-timey past, drinking water out of a well and contracting polio.

But for those futuristic types, "webisodes" are web-only mini-episodes (around three minutes long) — in this case featuring characters from The Office. Every week, NBC.com will premiere a new webisode starring the accounting department of Dunder Mifflin, who discover that $3,000 has gone missing — which means someone in the office is a goddamn thief! Trust me … hilarity will ensue. And even if it doesn't, it's only three minutes long!

So "sorry," television! You are now part of my past — like Napoleon Bonaparte, low-carb diets and my first girlfriend, Shirley Roundtree. I'll send you a postcard from "the future" and tell you all about the amazing inventions there: like freeze-dried ice cream, flying skateboards and holographic nudie shots of David Hasselhoff.


Webisode, webisode, WEBISODE!

 

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, JULY 13
8 P.M. WB SMALLVILLE
The poop hits the fan in this critical repeat, in which Clark stupidly reveals his secret to Lana.


9:30 P.M. FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
A mugging inspires the gang to take steroids and join an underground fight club.

FRIDAY, JULY 14
8 P.M. SCI THE SCIENCE OF STARGATE SG-1
An in-depth look at the science behind the series, which also reveals you are the BIGGEST NERD IN THE WORLD.

SATURDAY, JULY 15
8 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT
The homoerotic wrestlers of the WWE return to NBC for more man-on-man lovin'.

8 P.M. WB AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

(Movie, 1982) A jerky naval recruit (Richard Gere) becomes a man after getting yelled at by Louis Gossett Jr. and boning Debra Winger.

SUNDAY, JULY 16
8 P.M. CBS
BIG BROTHER: ALL-STARS
The housemates spend the day exchanging crabs.

10 P.M. HBO ENTOURAGE
Vince gets all artsy-fartsy and puts his Aquaman sequel in danger!

MONDAY, JULY 17
9 P.M. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The two teams create their own menus — with "cereal and milk" as the main entree.


9 P.M. A&E DRIVING FORCE
Debut! NASCAR racer John Force tries to reconnect with his estranged daughters in this new hot-roddin'
reality series.

TUESDAY, JULY 18
9 P.M. ABC THE ONE: MAKING
OF A MUSIC STAR

Debut! Eleven musicians compete and study at a music academy … zzzzzzzz … huh? Wha?? WHERE AM I???

9 P.M. SCI EUREKA
Debut! A new sheriff discovers his town is full of geniuses working for the government.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 19
8 P.M. CBS ROCKSTAR: SUPERNOVA
The rock stars try to out-rock each other in a "binge drinking and heroin shooting" competition.

11 P.M. BRAVO WORK OUT
Debut! Behind the scenes of a fancy-pantsy celebrity fitness salon. They should call it Anorexics 'R' Us!

Debut! Behind the scenes of a fancy-pantsy celebrity fitness salon. They should call it Anorexics 'R' Us!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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