I LOVE TELEVISION 


What ain't normal? A lot of things ain't normal. Congressman Mark Foley's love for really embarrassing text messages to teens ain't normal. Hot Pockets — those microwavable meat-filled pastries I eat every day for lunch? Definitely not normal. Clay Aiken … super not normal … and yet, I love him. Ghosts chasing comedian Gilbert Gottfried around a haunted insane asylum — not normal (you'll hear more about this in a moment). And superheroes who shoot arrows instead of something cool like flesh-burning laser beams is not only NOT normal, it's deeply DUMB.

Green Arrow is definitely un-normal, and yet? He's playing a big part in this season of Smallville (CW, 8 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 19) — my favorite teen drama, in which Clark Kent whips his shirt off at a moment's notice, causing me to feel like Congressman Mark Foley. HEY! At least I'm not sending Clark idiotic text messages begging for "a kiss goodnight." EWW! Anyhoo, what's so un-normal about Green Arrow? WHERE DO I FREAKING START?

First of all, he SHOOTS ARROWS. Next to communicating with fish (i.e., Aquaman), that is the WORST "superpower" EVER! It's not even a superpower — at best it's an Olympic event, in which case we should have entire comic books devoted to "Purple Javelin," "Black Shot-Put" or "Taupe 440 Relay!" You know who would be a good supervillain for Green Arrow? How about "The Guy With a Machine Gun"? Sure, the name isn't all that great, but put him up against a pussy who shoots arrows, and I'm thinking he might be PRETTY GODDAMN EFFECTIVE.

Apparently, Green Arrow's role in this season of Smallville is to a) bone Lois Lane, and b) convince Clark to join up with the Justice League of America — which is not only undeniably un-normal, it's an idiotic idea and ultimately? DANGEROUS FOR AMERICA. Let's say, for example, you live in Gotham, where Batman resides. He does a pretty good job of holding down crime in that town, because the last time I checked, he always, ALWAYS wins. However! If Batman is off dinking his wiener in that stupid orbiting space station with his little gang of Superfriends, who's looking after Gotham? NOBODY, THAT'S WHO! Let them have a convention in Vegas every year, like the proctologists do — but just say "NO!" to the Justice League of America!

Now, on to Gilbert Gottfried being chased by ghosts — something else that's decidedly un-normal (yet, like Clay Aiken, I LOVE IT!). There's a new show debuting this week titled Celebrity Paranormal Project (VH1, 10 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 22), which is delightfully simple: Take some washed-up celebs and make them spend the night in horrifyingly scary (and haunted) mansions, hospitals, prisons and insane asylums. What's great is that the producers and camera people hand over their equipment and leave the celebs absolutely ALONE to run around screaming their heads off for our hilarious entertainment. Even better, the celebs include model Rachel Hunter, Traci "Baywatch" Bingham, David "Kung Fu" Carradine, crazy comic Gilbert Gottfried and crazy human being Gary Busey. Talk about what ain't normal … I don't know who's going to be more frightened — the celebs or the ghosts!

Home of that which ain't normal.

 

 

 

THURSDAY, OCT. 19

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

Clark discovers the secret identity of the Green Arrow, and renames him "that pussy who shoots arrows."

8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Dwight escorts Ryan on his first sales call — to the Schrute beet farm!

FRIDAY, OCT. 20

9 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Sharon attempts to organize the insurgents … which I think would be far more effective if she wore a bikini.

SATURDAY, OCT. 21

11 A.M. A&E MI-5 MARATHON!

Eight awesome episodes of this smart and sassy Brit secret agent drama!

8 p.m. ABC HARRY POTTER AND
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

(Movie, 2002) To tell you the truth, I can't tell which one is which anymore. But I think this one is pre-puberty.

SUNDAY, OCT. 22

10 p.m. TOON PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE

Pee-wee and Miss Yvonne play "store." Plus, Pee-wee is on the receiving end of a "boomerang." Wink. Wink.

10 p.m. VH1 CELEBRITY PARANORMAL
PROJECT

PROJECT

Debut! One of the few shows where you can watch Gilbert Gottfried wet his pants.

MONDAY, OCT. 23

8 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK

Sucre steals $5 million from the escapees. Sheesh! If you can't trust a prisoner, who can you trust?

9 p.m. LIF WHY I WORE LIPSTICK
TO MY MASTECTOMY

(Movie, 2006) Stick around for the double feature, "Why I Ate a Roast Beef Sandwich During My Colonoscopy."

TUESDAY, OCT. 24

8 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Possibly the only show where all the contestants are sleeping with each other. Except Jerry Springer.

9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS

It's Veronica to the rescue when poor little rich boy Logan discovers his trust fund is running out!

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 25

8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

This week's special guest star: Fabio! All together now … EEEEEE!!

9 p.m. ABC LOST

While attempting to escape "The Others," Sawyer's penis slips and falls into Kate's vagina.

steve@portlandmercury.com

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