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Happy holidays, everyone! OK, enough bullpoop niceties. I must say I've been extremely disappointed in your test scores over the last few years in regards to my annual Xmas Snap Quiz™. As you undoubtedly remember, every year I test your knowledge of those Rankin/Bass holiday specials that feature creepy wooden puppets, and every year you fail. MISERABLY. So once again, I've decided to give you ONE … LAST … CHANCE. Answer the following questions about Rudolph, the Grinch, Frosty, Santa and that king of the bald prepubescent martyrs, Charlie Brown. Answers are below, but remember! Cheaters only cheat themselves — at least that's what my ex-wife used to nag me about.

Match Game 2006

Match the syrupy holiday special on the left with the arch-nemesis on the right who would ruin Xmas for everybody!

Rudolph, the Red- Nosed Reindeer

• How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

• A Charlie Brown Christmas

• The Year Without a Santa Claus

• Frosty the Snowman

• The Little Drummer Boy

• Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town

• Winter Warlock

• Professor Hinkle

• Abominable Snowman

• Ben Haramed

• Cindy Lou Who

• “Commercialism”

• The Miser Bros.

We Three Kings Multiple-Choice Quiz

1. The Grinch can best be described as:

a) cranky, b) lacking in the spirit deemed appropriate for the holidays, c) a triple-decker sauerkraut-and-toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.

2. In A Charlie Brown Christmas, Lucy says Christmas is "a commercial racket run by …"

a) "a big Eastern syndicate," b) "ad agencies," c) "MetLife."

3. Which of the following is NOT one of the names considered by the children for Frosty the Snowman?

a) Harold, b) Freezie, c) Oatmeal, d) Kuckafuckarabba.

4. "I'm Mister Green Christmas, I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister, I'm Mister Hundred and One." OK, so who am I?

a) Mr. Curling Iron, b) a motorcycle exhaust pipe, c) an ad for a tanning salon, d) the Heat Miser.

5. In Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, what's the name of the toy-hatin' mayor of Sombertown?

a) Burgermeister Burgermeister, b) Burger-burger Meistermeister, c) Meisterburger Burgermeister, d) Burgermeister Meisterburger.

6. In which holiday special is Santa a real asshole?

a) The Year Without a Santa Claus, b) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, c) Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, d) Frosty the Snowman.

7. In The Year Without a Santa Claus, Jangle Bells the elf shows his concern for Santa by saying:

a) "What about your gout?" b) "Maybe you've got a tapeworm." c) "You don't scare children … you LOVE children!" d) "You look so tense … here, lie down and let me rub those tired muscles."

Answers!!

Match Game: Rudolph = Abominable Snowman, Grinch = Cindy Lou Who, Charlie Brown = "Commercialism," Year Without Santa = The Miser Bros., Frosty = Professor Hinkle, Little Drummer Boy = Ben Haramed, Santa Claus Is Comin' = Winter Warlock.

Multiple Choice. 1. c; 2. a; 3. b; 4. d; 5. d; 6. b; 7. a.

Send your underwhelming test scores to … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, DEC. 21

8 P.M. ABC UGLY BETTY

Betty and gang find themselves in the soup when they accidentally leak details of the Xmas photo shoot.

9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.

Summer blows Ryan and Taylor's romantic getaway. Careful, or you're going to be killed off, just like Marissa!

FRIDAY, DEC. 22

8 P.M. FAM MARY POPPINS

(Movie, 1964) A limey family panics when their children are kidnapped by a singing nanny/witch.

9 P.M. ABC 20/20

Theologists and others discuss "Heaven: Where Is It? How Do We Get There?" (And will they serve booze?)

SATURDAY, DEC. 23

8 P.M. ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC

(Movie, 1965) An Austrian governess and her kids use music to outwit some really stupid Nazis.

SUNDAY, DEC. 24

8 P.M. FAM SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN

(Sing along!) Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walkin' out the dooooooor!

8 P.M. TBS A CHRISTMAS STORY MARATHON

(Movie, 1983) Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun —for 24 hours straight!

MONDAY, DEC. 25

8 P.M. ABC PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

(Movie, 2003) Johnny Depp plays the swishiest pirate since Long John Gaybeard.

9 P.M. COM BAD SANTA

(Movie, 2003) Billy Bob Thornton stars as the nastiest Santa since … there hasn't been a nastier Santa.

TUESDAY, DEC. 26

8 P.M. ABC RUDOLPH'S SHINY NEW YEAR

Extra points: What is the name of the Baby New Year Rudolph must rescue? a) Happy, b) Rashy, c) Colic-y, d) Drooly.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 27

10 P.M. ABC PRIMETIME

Scientists study how humans react to horrifying situations — that's a lot of underwear washing.

10 P.M. MTV REAL WORLD

When Colie gets mono, the rest of the house decides it might be a good idea to take their tongues out of her mouth.


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