I LOVE TELEVISION 


I’m a busy guy … OK?! And that’s why it’s imperative that I follow a very strict daily calendar in order to fulfill myriad EXTREMELY IMPORTANT duties. Need an example of an average Humpy day? NO PROBLEM. Here’s my schedule for Wednesdays – 10 a.m.: Consider getting up. 11:30 a.m.: Really get up. Noon: Eat two chicken-fried steaks for breakfast. 12:30 p.m.: Realize that chicken-fried steaks aren’t really made of chicken; they’re steaks. 1 p.m.-4 p.m.: Nap.
5 p.m.: Check gossip sites to see if any of my sex tapes have leaked. 6 p.m.: Write angry e-mails to gossip sites asking why they haven’t leaked any of my sex tapes. 7 p.m.: Wheel of Fortune, bitches! 7:30 p.m.: Chicken-fried steak.

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TUBE

THURSDAY, Oct. 4

8:30 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK

Season premiere! It’s a battle of titans when Jack wages a one-man war against … Jerry Seinfeld?!

9 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

The newly promoted Ryan (who looks like a real d-bag now) tries to bring Michael into the digital age.

FRIDAY, Oct. 5

9 p.m. NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Season premiere! The return of the show everyone else seems to think is awesome, and I think is a pile of boring crap. Enjoy, everybody!

SATURDAY, Oct. 6

8:30 p.m. CMT I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER AGAIN

Debut! Omigod. That’s got to be the most depressing title I’ve ever seen.

11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Tonight hosted by the heee-larious Seth “Knocked Up” Rogen!

SUNDAY, Oct. 7

8 p.m. CW LIFE IS WILD

Debut! A new sudser about a family that nurses sick animals in South Africa. All together now … ZZZZZZ!

9 p.m. VH1 AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST MODEL

Debut! A new reality game show in which models compete to see who is the “most smartest”!

MONDAY, Oct. 8

8 p.m. NBC CHUCK

Chuck calls upon his new spy buddies to help him land the store’s assistant manager position.

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

A new evil foe emerges – and it’s not HRG’s boss at the copy shop!

TUESDAY, Oct. 9

8 p.m. CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

A house romance threatens one of the teams. Please tell me this “romance” is between two of the geeks.

9 p.m. CW REAPER

Sam must capture a vengeful soul who uses angry insects to scare off her former lover’s girlfriends!

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 3

8 p.m. CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

Yay! It’s my favorite (and the models’ most hated) episode of the year: ANNUAL SHAVE YOUR HEAD DAY!

9 p.m. NBC BIONIC WOMAN

Jamie once again battles the first Bionic Woman … and this time I hope tongue wrestling is involved.

But at 8 p.m.? That’s when problems arise.

In the past, Wednesdays have never been an issue when it comes to TV-watching. Last season, for example, your only choices were either Lost or another of the 27 episodes of Dancing With the Stars airing that week. Thursdays used to be the problem … but no more! For some reason the networks have declared Wednesday the new “screw with the viewers’ heads” night, dogpiling a poop-load of watchable shows directly across from each other’s time slots. So which ones do you watch, and which ones get discarded like a used pair of panties on a busy street corner? Here’s my advice.

First of all, buy a TiVo or a DVR. Seriously, people, if you haven’t invested in one of these technological time-saving marvels, you’re really screwing yourself out of enjoying one of the greatest inventions of the century – not counting the Topsy Tail™. (Remember that? One device capable of creating 12 sensational hairstyles? That’s what I call “innovation,” bitches! OK, fine. I’ll stop calling you “bitches.”) Anyway, buy a TiVo, and heed the following instructions.

AT 8 P.M. ON WEDNESDAYS: You’ve got three choices: America’s Next Top Model (the CW), Kid Nation (CBS) and Pushing Daisies (ABC). This one’s easy – watch the always-amazing Top Model live and record the groundbreaking Pushing Daisies. Screw Kid Nation. Who gives a crap about kids anyway?

AT 9 P.M. ON WEDNESDAYS: This one’s a bit tougher. There’s Bionic Woman (NBC), Private Practice (ABC), Gossip Girl (the CW) and Kitchen Nightmares (Fox). First things first: Throw the bullpoopy Grey’s Anatomy spinoff Private Practice into the bull-pooper. If I were you, I’d watch Bionic Woman and record Gossip Girl (unless you enjoy watching dickhole limeys yelling at people … then record chef Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares).

AT 10 P.M. ON WEDNESDAYS: Finally, an easy choice. There’s Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) and The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central at 10:30 p.m.), and there’s also turning off the TV and having a pleasant, perhaps intellectually stimulating conversation with a lover or friend. My choice? Watch the devilish Dirty Sexy Money with the underrated Peter Krause, record the hilariously offensive The Sarah Silverman Program (which is even better this season) and tell your lover and friends to “Eff off, bitches!”

Notice how I didn’t call YOU “bitches”? See? I think I’m really evolving here.

Chicken-fried steak, bitches!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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