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Women: Taken as a whole, they are not retarded. I know this because I have, on occasion, conversed with women – before having sex with them – and can say without reservation that the majority of them are not retarded. However! One would not know this from the television shows proudly promoted on supposed “women’s” channels such as WE and the Lifetime network. Besides cramming their schedules with weepy made-for-TV movies and repeats of such estrogenic shows as Designing Women, The Golden Girls, Grey’s Anatomy and (brrrrrr) Reba, Lifetime and WE specialize in reality shows that pander to every stereotype inflicted upon women. For example, if WE and Lifetime are any indication, women are only interested in three things: believing whole-heartedly in psychics, boning cowboys and getting married (preferably to a cowboy). Anyhoo, this week marks a slew of new shows tailor-made for today’s retarded woman – plus a couple for the not-so-retarded as well! Check it out!

Girl Meets Cowboy (10 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 14, WE). In every episode, a gaggle of giggly city gals are dropped off at an Arizona dude ranch, where they must compete for the affections of a straw-chewin’ cowpoke. Humiliating, right? Well, just wait until these desperate girls fall face-first into some ooey-gooey horse poop! Whoopee! HILARITY AND GENDER STEREOTYPING ENSUE!

America’s Psychic Challenge (10 p.m. Friday, Oct. 12, Lifetime). Sixteen so-called psychics compete to see who is the … umm … “psychi-ist”? Each clairvoyant will be awarded points for locating misplaced objects, insightful psychic readings and correctly picking out the man of a woman’s dreams. I’m sure they’ll also be happy to locate lost tampons or identify boutiques where the most darling shoes are on sale.

Women’s Murder Club (9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 12, ABC). A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle … a bicycle that can solve MURDERS. Cop Angie Harmon (formerly from one of those stupid Law & Order shows) forms a crack crew of women crime-stoppers – a lawyer, coroner and reporter – that can turn PMS into straight-up CSI! (Sorry … I’m no better than they are, am I?)

The Salt-N-Pepa Show (10 p.m. Monday, Oct. 15, VH1). Now this could be a great show! Rap legends Salt-N-Pepa (“Shoop,” “Whatta Man”) decide to get the band together again. The only thing getting in the way? “Salt” has a new relationship … with GOD. Puh-leeze! Why is God always screwing things up? Just kidding … I love God. Especially because he’s packed and stacked “especially in the back/ Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that.”

Samantha Who? (9:30 p.m. Monday, Oct. 15, ABC). Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) stars as an amnesiac who wakes up to realize she was previously a real B-hole! (Note to readers who aren’t scientists: Amnesia and mental retardation are NOT the same thing. Unless you were retarded before developing amnesia. Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if you got amnesia, forgot you were retarded, and therefore suddenly became smart? Now THAT would be a good show.)

I despise you, Reba!

steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Oct. 11

9 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Dunder Mifflin launches their new website, and Dwight vows to sell more paper than the Internet.

10 p.m. FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Another episode showcasing this program’s sensitivity titled, “Sweet Dee’s Dating a Retarded Person.”

FRIDAY, Oct. 12

10 p.m. LIF AMERICA’S PSYCHIC CHALLENGE

Four clairvoyants compete to see who is America’s best. Wait … if they’re psychics, shouldn’t they already know who wins?

SATURDAY, Oct. 13

9 p.m. REAL SEARCH FOR THE NEXT ELVIRA

Debut! Mmmm … there really wasn’t any need for the first one, now was there?

11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Get out your denture cream, Grandpa! It’s your fave bands from the last century: Bon Jovi and the Foo Fighters!

SUNDAY, Oct. 14

9 p.m. VH1 AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST MODEL

The models are pushed to their intellectual limits when asked to name three American presidents.

10 p.m. WE GIRL MEETS COWBOY

Debut! Four lonely girls fight over one smelly cowboy. That sound you hear is feminism rolling over in her grave.

MONDAY, Oct. 15

9:30 p.m. ABC SAMANTHA WHO?

Debut! Amnesiac Samantha wakes up in a hospital without the slightest notion she used to be a raging beeyotch.

10:30 p.m. VH1 GOTTI’S WAY

Debut! Former Def Jam genius Irv Gotti battles his way back to the top of the record industry.

TUESDAY, Oct. 16

8 p.m. CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

The geeks get a makeover, which means a tub of hair gel and 50 squirts of AXE body spray.

9 p.m. CW REAPER

When Sam asks for some time off from reaping souls, he gets sent on another stupid mission. Working for Satan sucks.

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 17

8 p.m. ABC PUSHING DAISIES

The gang settles on the best marketing idea yet: pies filled with antidepressants.

9 p.m. NBC BIONIC WOMAN

Jamie discovers the truth about her bionic lifespan, which gives her one more thing to nag about.


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