Billy Manes, you godless heathen. While you and your gilded brethren are building hydrogen-lofted space palaces, we in the pro-America parts of America are struggling. We're losing our jobs, while you're lighting illegally imported, hand-rolled Cuban cigars with $100 bills just because you can. We're stuffing our kids with Hamburger Helper while you're feeding your miniature pinschers sirloin.

Listen up, snobs. This Christmas is about those of us who get by on spunk and fifth-grade educations. Here in the Real America™, we've maxed out our credit cards and have foreclosure signs on the lawn, next to that couch we tossed out last week.

Damn right we're bitter. And as President-elect Hopey reminded us awhile back, we need something to cling to so that life is bearable these days. We need our guns and our God.

Here are my suggestions for venting pent-up angst this holiday season. And you should heed my advice — you've got the money, and we have just enough free time, post-layoff, to make your lives a living hell.

The New King James Version Bible on audiotape; $34.95 from, if you get the Internets: Listen, actually reading the Good Book can prove … problematic, if you don't like to read. And we don't. Since they cut the cable we need to find some way to entertain the kids, and nothing soothes like a passage from Deuteronomy. And yes, we still have tape players.

Remington Model R-15 VTR™ Modular Repeating Predator Rifle; MSRP $1,199 at In theory, we'd use this high-powered rifle, which is custom-designed for hunters and features fast follow-up shots, to kill dinner. (It's deer season, you know. Actually, you wouldn't know that.) But sometimes we want simpler pleasures — like sitting on our front porch, cleaning our gun, letting miscreants know better than to mess with us. This trailer ain't much, but it's home.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Orlando Weekly works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.

More in Holiday Guide


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

October 21, 2020

View more issues


© 2020 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation