Tonight's the night
By Tom Lucas
Neekademus, Master Demonologist and part-time necromancer, let out a chuckle.
It had taken five arduous cycles of traveling to forgotten places to gather each element that the infernal forces of evil required.
But before the sun rose again, they would pay.
All those who had laughed at him saying, "Nick, stop this two-bit rennie fair bullshit. You're over 60. You can't walk around dressed as Gandalf any more." All those who had mocked him over the years and made him feel less than.
To hell with them all. Literally. Tonight he would summon a demon and the world would tremble before him.
He could already hear them begging for their pathetic lives. Joy!
The day had been spent preparing the summoning chamber – the basement of a local Knights of Columbus hall, of which he was a board member. Board members got full access. You only had to agree to brew the coffee for the monthly pancake breakfast – a no-brainer.
In the center of the room was the expected pentagram, drawn out using the ashes of 100 executed murderers. This wasn't required, but when summoning a demon, go big. Surrounding the pentagram were protective glyphs painted with his own blood.
He had only one candlestick, but when your "Hand of Glory" candlestick is made using the right hand of Jeffrey Dahmer, you don't need a second.
He threw toxic herbs on a brazier fueled by the finest Chernobyl coal. Acrid clouds of green smoke began to plume.
Reading from a cursed grimoire, Neekademus prattled his way through some ancient tongue as he completed the ritual with care and precision.
With the last words uttered, he waited. Nothing. He made another attempt and then another. Nothing. He scanned the room. Ah, the mandrake root. Quickly he threw it onto the burning coals.
Shazam!
A noxious cloud of death! There! A classic demon – a big red beast with rows of sharp teeth and black leathery wings appeared in the center of the pentagram.
"Demon! I summoned you and as such, I now control you."
"Really?" Smiling, it stepped out of the pentagram.
Neekademus stammered. "You aren't supposed to do that." He snatched the grimoire, pointing at its pages.
The demon grabbed him by the shoulders and lifted him into the air.
"I'm going to eat you," it said. "I will swallow you in one gulp. I'm feeling generous tonight."
"I don't understand. Every component of the spell was satisfied. We should be out conquering my sworn enemies. Not this."
"You forgot one very important thing." It licked its lips.
"What?"
"Eye of Newt."
"No. I have plenty of that. Check out the spice rack in the corner."
"That I see, but that's regular Eye of Newt. My summoning requires something much more evil. The Eye of Newt ..."
"No. Don't say it."
"Gingrich."
The demon swallowed Neekademus whole. He rubbed his full belly.
"They always fuck that up. Classic."
