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Do you worry about the direction in which this country is headed? Do you fear that an ungodly heathen may soon inhabit the White House? Would you like to lose a few extra pounds? Do we have an event for you!

On Feb. 2, the Silver Spurs Arena in Kissimmee will host TheCall, a group of fetus-lovers who want you to come fast -– God talk for not eating -– with them for 12 hours, after which you can raid Denny’s with spiritual impunity.

For further explanation, let’s head to TheCall’s web site: “Four years ago we launched a prayer moment for the ending of abortion, elections and spiritual awakening in our nation.” (They want to end elections too?) “For 50 days and nights, up to 100 young people gathered for continuous fasting and prayer.” (Um, wouldn’t they be very weak, if not dead?) “During this time, we received a very significant dream from a prophetic leader in the nation. In the dream, the letters F-O-C-U-S-S were seen. They stood for Florida, Ohio, Catholics, Universities and Swing States. For those 50 days and nights, we cried out to God for Florida for the turning of the elections. The prayer of thousands in Florida and the voice of the church turned the tide in 2000.” (Actually, if memory serves, that was the U.S. Supreme Court. And anyway, four years ago it was 2004. We’re so confused.)

So, the basic idea is pray and don’t eat for a while, and God rewards you with … a bloodbath! Back to TheCall’s site and the words of founder Lou Engle: “We look back 150 years, and 1857 is recorded as the year of the great prayer meeting revival. A million souls were converted, and four years later, the Civil War began. The great harvest was swept in, preparing for 600,000 men to die on the battlefields of the Civil War because of the shedding of innocent blood of the slaves. I believe that we could be headed into times like these again because of the shedding of innocent blood of 50 million babies.

Engle tells us that he’s fasting for three weeks before TheCall. And he wants those of you whose “hearts are stirred in Florida to seven days of fasting leading up to TheCall with the first three days in and Esther-type fast for your primaries on the 29th.” Oops, guess you missed that. Which is fine, because we couldn’t tell you the difference between an Esther-type fast and a garden-variety fast, so we wouldn’t have been much help. We only fast when we’re on a cocaine binge and headed to the abortion clinic.

Newsflash: Lake Fairview is full of poop and has been closed. Please cease swimming wading, boating and/or touching the water. Please do not drink the water from Lake Fairview as it is full of poop.

This happy news comes from the Orange County Environmental Protection department. According to them, too many migratory birds have been using this charming little lake as a toilet, thereby upping bacteria levels and causing the whole thing to be “posted for no recreation.” The county is planning to “disperse” the birds, which we read as meaning it’s going to be a friggin’ turkey shoot over there. Or maybe there is some other way to get the flying shit machines to take their excrement elsewhere. But guns would work.

We shuffled
over to the LYNX Central Station Jan. 25 itching to get a glimpse of the shiny new hybrid bus demo that could eventually replace the current fleet. So, there we were, and there it was, rather plain looking and unexciting

Someone gave a short spiel about how even though the buses are more expensive ($495,000 versus $375,000) they would run off electric battery power and minimal fuel, and require less maintenance, offsetting the higher cost. Sadly, LYNX has no idea when, or if, if they’re going to buy these fantastical machines.

Our attention wandered as a curious pool of onlookers gathered. There was a woman with a broken arm and redolent of hooch jabbering about how she didn’t understand why her baby was taken away, but our favorite moment came when a man in a colorful old-man-style hat toured the bus (minus his purple walker which he left outside) then had a giggle fit and fell to the ground amid a group of LYNX’s s top brass. Guess he wasn’t very impressed with the technology.

Last year’s little pink dust-up over the Employment Non-Discrimination Act in the U.S. Congress – wherein gender identity and gender expression were thrown under the non-hybrid bus in favor of just getting the damn thing through – is coming to a legislature near you.

According to Express Gay News, there are two different bits of employment and housing discrimination legislation making the Tallahassee rounds: an inclusive version sponsored by Democrat Kelly Skidmore of Boca Raton, known as House Bill 191, and a non-inclusive one being brought to the state senate by Democrat Ted Deutch of Delray Beach, known as Senate Bill 572. The conflict has (sort of) pitted two gay activist groups -– the Palm Beach Human Rights Council and Equality Florida – against each other over discrepancies. See, the Palm Beach Human Rights Council thinks that Equality Florida is screwing the whole thing up by fighting the Deutch bill, citing that it’s actually a complementary legislation that will be effective in getting votes across the aisle. Equality Florida, meanwhile, is sticking to its guns saying that without transgender inclusion, they want nothing to do with it.

It could all work out to be counterproductive … again. But wouldn’t it be fun to sit around a mahogany table and watch Bubba from Panama City Beach hash this one out? You go, girl.

This week’s report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Billy Manes, Deanna Sheffield and Bob Whitby

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