Click here for the 2020 Best of Orlando® Readers Poll ballot!

Happytown: Sen. Marco Rubio, Republican savior 

He loves Pitbull, state's rights and Jesus

click to enlarge 1443580.jpg

Sen. Marco Rubio sure is getting a lot of ink lately, and we don't mean the kind we imagine wiggles tribally around his flabby biceps. The (still) rising star of the Republican nightmare got cornered on Feb. 5 by BuzzFeed at one of the website's drinking parties, and he revealed that he's in love with Pitbull before opining on gay marriage. Specifically, Rubio was completely unspecific about his position on the issue. Marriage is something that only God-humping heterosexuals should be afforded, of course, but Rubio's gay buck stops there: "I've always been uncomfortable with a federal constitutional amendment on anything, particularly on that, because it steps on the rights of states to define marriage."

Perhaps the shiftiness is the result of the praise that's been headed his way from party insiders and, as a result, Big Media ("When he speaks, it's like someone tapped a tuning fork. He just hums," former RNC chair Ed Gillespie told the Washington Post, creepily). The current issue of Time rung the bell even louder, smacking Rubio on its cover and declaring him "the Republican Savior." You guys, Rubio is like under so much pressure right now. Give him some space.

Well, maybe not. Sheepish manchild Rubio responded to the glory in the way that sheepish manchildren do: Twitter. "There is only one savior, and it is not me," he Tweeted, following it with "#Jesus." Please shut up.

Tags:

Orlando Weekly works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

May 27, 2020

View more issues

Calendar

© 2020 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation