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GOODBYE, FAMILY 


Dear friends and family: How are you? Fine, I hope. I am writing to let you know that as of … mmmm … right about now, I want nothing to do with you for the next three months. And stop looking at me like I just spit in your mouth. You know as well as I do the new fall season of shows STARTS THIS WEEK – so how can you even hope to compete? You can't. So stop doing all those annoying things, including, but not limited to: trying to engage me in conversation, hitting me up for "weed" and/or money, begging me to visit dying relatives and engaging in sexual coitus. THAT'S how serious I am! And instead of pooh-poohing me, you should be checking out these new shows debuting this week (… on your own satellite system, thankyouverymuch).

Reunion (Fox, debuts Thursday, Sept. 8, 9 p.m.) If you loved St. Elmo's Fire, you're gonna go ape-dookie over the new ensemble drama Reunion. This show chronicles the lives of six friends – starting with high school graduation and ending with their 20th reunion. But here's the gimmick: Each episode documents an entire year of their lives. Over the course of the season, characters marry, divorce, have kids – and cover up the mysterious death of one of their own. HUMPY'S TAKE: I hated St. Elmo's Fire … except for the part where Rob Lowe played the saxophone while wearing a sleeveless T-shirt.

Bones (Fox, debuts Tuesday, Sept. 13, 8 p.m.) Yay! Angel's back! Angel's back! (Yeah … except he ain't Angel … BOOOOOOO!) David "Angel" Boreanaz returns in an un-blood-sucky role as straight-laced FBI agent Seeley Booth (stoopid name!) working with sexy forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan (again with the stoopid names!). The hotsy doc has a Ã?air for "reading" the bones of murder victims, as well as making googly eyes at that strapping mountain of man-meat Boreanaz. HUMPY'S TAKE: I also like a little Angel man-meat … and though the chemistry between these two looks hot enough, does TV really need another CSI nerd-fest?

Supernatural (WB, debuts Tuesday, Sept. 13, 9 p.m.) Where's David Boreanaz when you need him? In this hour-long spookster, two WB rejects – Jared Padalecki from Gilmore Girls and Jensen Ackles from Smallville – play brothers who race around the country solving supernatural crimes. HUMPY'S TAKE: Hey, Shaggy and Scooby! Where's the Mystery Machine? Dumb-asses …

Head Cases (Fox, debuts Wednesday, Sept. 14, 9 p.m.) Chris O'Donnell – who you remember from Scent of a Woman and wearing that big codpiece in Batman & Robin – stars as a successful lawyer who gets shit-canned, dumped by his wife and sent to the funny farm. He hooks up with another wacko ambulance chaser (Adam "I always play a crazy person" Goldberg), and together they open a new firm while trying to keep each other sane. HUMPY'S TAKE: Though you've seen Goldberg's nutso character a thousand times, check out O'Donnell, who – believe it or don't –pulls out an awesome, layered performance. This could be a show that's actually worth alienating your family and losing that inheritance. On second thought … maybe I can spare a little "weed" after all.

Send all notices of inheritance to … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, SEPT. 8
8 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
Season Premiere! Trey's life hangs in the balance – so who's going to take the fall for drunk Marissa this time?

9 p.m. FOX REUNION
Debut! This drama explores the relationship of a gang of friends over 20 years. Unbelievable old-person makeup alert!

FRIDAY, SEPT. 9
9 p.m. CBS FASHION ROCKS
Hoity-toity clothes mix with hotsy-totsy rock, featuring music from Destiny's Child, Duran Duran and Nelly.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 10
9 p.m. NBC LIVE FROM NEW YORK
An excellent documentary reliving the first five years of Saturday Night Live.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 11
8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season Premiere! Fat Tony makes a porno in the Simpsons' garage, prompting Marge to move out.

8:30 p.m. FOX THE WAR AT HOME
Debut! Michael Rapaport stars as a typical sitcom dad in this typical sitcom.

10:30 p.m. VH1 BREAKING BONADUCE
Debut! The former Danny Partridge gets his own reality show documenting the incredible mess he's made of his life.

MONDAY, SEPT. 12
8 p.m. ABC WIFE SWAP
Season Premiere! A new season of harried suburban housewives given even more unbearable work to do.

9 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Michael's breakout gets delayed again when an inmate takes a suspicious interest in his sexy tattoos.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 13
8 p.m. WB GILMORE GIRLS
Season Premiere! Luke gets embarrassed when the townfolk start snooping around his engagement to Lorelai.

9 p.m. FOX HOUSE
Season Premiere! Dr. House treats a death row inmate (unfortunately portrayed by LL Cool J).

10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME
Season Finale! Tommy deals with his goofball addiction, while a member of the firehouse threatens to walk.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 14
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
For those who missed it, here's a repeat of Veronica's season finale, where we discover the identity of who murdered Lily Kane!

9 p.m. FOX HEAD CASES
Debut! Two nutso lawyers team up to take on the legal system. Hilarity will proceed!

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