Drowning in cleavage 

Cue Enya music. Imagine that you're floating, buoyant, held aloft by the placid, pacifying calm of cool, soothing water. OK, now imagine it's just your breasts hovering around like that.

That's the principle behind the Water Bra, which shoots for the same enhancing effect as the Wonderbra. Water trapped inside the garment is strategically placed for that push-'em-up-and-shove-'em-together emphasis.

Since this seemed to be one of the stupidest sartorial concepts ever invented, I had to try it. The first notable thing is that the water pouches make it feel like there are already a couple of little breasts in there. The logic seems to be that you'll look like twice the woman you are.

It works. The water bra elevates so masterfully you'd think you had some scaffolding installed in there. "Buoyant" is the only word for it.

And buoyant will be the effect you inspire in others. The cleavage this thing creates is pretty spectacular. I don't tend to seek out exaggerating underwear. I'm a D-cup and there is such a thing as overkill.

Floating on the Lake Titicacas of the Water Bra, I found myself gazing at a movie-star bust line so pronounced it was alarming. I could have entered a room a full 30 seconds before anyone saw my face. If you want to be propped up like a Macy's parade balloon, this accessory is for you.

There is the danger of getting stuck with a pin. But who are you hanging around with, that they might stick your breast with a pin?

The Water Bra runs about $37; it might have you floating easily through the summer. It won't make you feel any cooler. It could make you look hooter. Hotter. Sorry.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Orlando Weekly works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

April 21, 2021

View more issues


© 2021 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation