JUNE 26, 2:49 A.M.: A 15-year-old boy and his buddy, 13, were out strolling the 900 block of South Kirkman Road. It was well past their bedtime, but the team of late-night lads had sneaky schemes in mind. Sleep would have to wait.

They chose a pharmacy/convenience store nestled in a corner lot as their playground and slipped through one of the sliding doors in front. Inside, aisle shelves were packed with Pepsi, Pringles and Pamprin, but meandering customers were nowhere to be found. The store was empty, or so they thought. Suddenly, a thundering voice from the intercom system began echoing throughout, announcing that the store was closed. The 15-year-old immediately fled, leaving his younger friend to fend for himself. He stepped deeper into the store, but the assistant manager's vehement voice returned, again stating that the store was closed. The older of the two motioned for his pal to flee, whereupon he did. The pair lingered at the front door for a minute before escaping on foot in an unknown direction.

Did the deviant duo scram only after mistaking the mighty voice for an omnipotent God not wanting them to descend into a life of crime? Police reports do not indicate.

JUNE 22, 8:30 P.M.: Four nights prior, a suspect or suspects had plans to pillage another store, only this time, no one would leave empty-handed.

The burglar or burglars lurked near a supermarket in the 3600 block of West Columbia Street that evening. The store's doors were locked, but that didn't stop the hell-bent burglar(s) from finding a way to gain entry. Amid sheets of pelting rain, the suspect or suspects used an unknown tool – perhaps a hammer and a stake, like John Henry, the steel-drivin' man – to smash through the shop's solid cinder-block wall at the rear of the building. After crawling through the crafted portal, the suspect(s) began the rampage, stealing 10 to 15 cartons of cancer sticks and three to four boxes of cigars, altogether valued at approximately $530. A Sony boom box valued at $80 and $30 worth of coins were also snatched before slipping back out the hole in the wall, which will reportedly cost $200 to repair.

The reporting officer advised the victim to an install an alarm to assure future safety, but the shop's owner refused. He said the building already has an alarm, but police reports state it wasn't turned on "because when it rains, the alarm causes problems."

JUNE 22, 3:45 P.M.: Earlier that day, a person or persons plotted entry elsewhere, seeking goods of a more essential sort.

The burglar or burglars headed toward a construction site in the 3100 block of South Orange Avenue. Once inside, the suspect(s) assaulted a box of Bosch tools, which was chained to a structure on site. After some dedicated cutting and prying, the burglar or burglars gave up, but not before causing $900 in damages to the battered box. They didn't leave the site empty-handed, however. The suspect(s) took a $450 Bosch chipping hammer, a $150 half-inch drill and four ladders valued at approximately $875 – tools which would, perhaps, aid our burglar(s) throughout this year's hurricane season. The total value of the stolen property was $1,475.

JUNE 22, 7:15 A.M.: A most curious burglary affecting four different women and their prized purses took place in an hour's time in a mini smash-and-grab crime spree.

The first victim was up bright and early, prepared to take on an hour of vigorous cycling, perhaps, at a fitness center in the 4800 block of Lawing Lane. While the woman exercised, a person or persons unknown smashed her car's front passenger window. In summer skylight, the suspect or suspects reached inside the jagged window and removed the woman's floral tote bag from the passenger-side floorboard. The purse contained a wallet, which had $1 inside, a driver's license and other crucial cards. The damaged window and stolen swag totaled $246.

Victim No. 3 was borrowing her niece's (victim No. 2) car that morning. It only took 40 minutes after she'd parked to discover the evildoings of our purse perp(s). This time, the suspect or suspects shattered the car's rear passenger window and then reached inside for a $160 Liz Clairborne purse in plain view on the floorboard. Its actual contents totaled $78, and damage to the window totaled $200.

Victim No. 4 was burglarized a mere 10 minutes after parking. Another unknown tool was used to smash the passenger-side window, and the handbag burglar or burglars snatched a purse well placed beneath a plastic bag on the floorboard. Concealed within were miscellaneous credit cards, a $100 cell phone and $100 worth of makeup and other goodies. Perhaps the pillager or pillagers' rarest find of all, though, was the 10 syringes pumped with liquid-dieting aid. Police reports state that three were used, and seven were full.

JUNE 21, 10 P.M.: A man left his home, which is under construction, unattended that night in the 20 block of Lawsona Boulevard. Seeing as no front door had been built yet, it wasn't too challenging for the burglar or burglars to locate a point of entry. Inside the exposed edifice, the suspect(s) removed approximately 80 weighty cases of slate tile, estimated to be worth $1,000. Needless to say, the man of the house should wait for the door before installing his floor next time.

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