What's new on Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO Max, Disney+ and the rest.
Premieres Wednesday:
In Her Hands — Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are the executive producers of a documentary about the many protests and assassination attempts that dogged Zarifa Ghafari, the young female mayor of Afghanistan's Maidan Shahr province. And speaking of Chelsea Clinton and dogging, isn't it great Rush Limbaugh is in hell? (Netflix)
Limitless With Chris Hemsworth — Marvel's own Thor engages in a series of challenges designed to prolong his personal longevity, like swimming 800 feet through 36-degree Arctic waters and climbing a rope hung precariously over a canyon. Yes, they said "prolong." Just in case Dan Newlin is taking notes. (Disney+)
Mind Your Manners — Learn the rules of genteel and proper behavior from etiquette teacher Sara Jane Ho. Rule No. 1: It isn't polite to snicker when your host introduces herself as "Sara Jane Ho." (Netflix)
Racionais MC's: From the Streets of São Paolo — Documentary cameras record the action as the influential hip-hop group takes its message from Brazil to the world stage. And you still can't identify them on Heardle! (Netflix)
The Santa Clauses — Dim-bulb conservatard Tim Allen takes time out from whining about cancel culture to return to one of his signature roles, in a series that sees a 65-year-old Scott Calvin looking for someone to succeed him as Santa. The biggest problem is that 75 percent of the applicants are Russian bots. (Disney+)
Premieres Thursday:
1899 — A boatful of migrants headed to America on the cusp of the 20th century encounter another ship that proves to hold a panoply of terrors. Their dying words: "But we came the right waaaay!" (Netflix)
A Christmas Story Christmas — Peter Billingsley is back in a sequel to Jean Shepherd's beloved holiday classic, with a grown-up Ralphie trying to provide his family with the kind of Christmas he had growing up. Which would be ... traumatic? Gosh, nobody ever wants to break the cycle of Lifebuoy. (HBO Max)
Christmas With You — Romance is in the offing when a popular singer (Aimee Garcia) agrees to meet one of her small-town fans, in hopes the experience will provide fodder for her next hit. Based on a true story involving "WAP" and the Make-a-Wish Foundation. (Netflix)
Dead to Me — The third and final season will show what happened after Jen and Judy (Christina Applegate and Linda Cardellini) narrowly escaped death at the hands of drunk driver Ben (James Marsden). But how much drama can you wring out of a simple phone call to Matt Gaetz' dad? (Netflix)
Fleishman Is in Trouble — A middle-aged divorcee (Jesse Eisenberg) has to take care of his two kids when his ex (Claire Danes) goes missing, making it hard for him to fully exploit his newfound popularity on dating apps. This is what happens when you feed pages from Jordan Peterson's idea book into an AI generator. (Hulu)
I Am Vanessa Guillen — Learn the life story of the soldier who reported sexual harassment at Fort Hood and got herself murdered for her trouble. "I think this might be a bit of a wake-up call for Miss V," opines Olivia Wilde in just-unearthed audio you'll want to promptly earth again. (Netflix)
Leopard Skin — Carla Gugino headlines a series about dinner-party guests held hostage by gangsters at a Mexican beach estate. Worse, it had to happen on a Taco Tuesday. (Peacock)
Paradise (Paraíso) — The Spanish drama about the search for three missing girls gets a second and final season. See, if they had been blond Americans, we would have kept looking for them forever. (HBO Max)
Pepsi, Where's My Jet? — You can now watch an entire docuseries about college student John Leonard's fight to collect the Harrier jet he felt he was entitled to after amassing 7 million Pepsi points. His jet, your reproductive rights: Let's face it, life is full of disappointments. (Netflix)
Santa Camp — The ranks of professional Santas swell to include Black, differently abled and transgender members in a documentary that seems meant specifically to give Megyn Kelly a coronary thrombosis. Hang in there, Megyn! Wait 'til you see what we're doing with the Tooth Fairy! (HBO Max)
The Sex Lives of College Girls — Roommates Kimberly, Leighton, Bela and Whitney grapple with many questions in Season 2, including "Why can't Mindy Kaling write about anything but her shallowest personal experience?" and "Who left the dirty dishes in the sink?" (HBO Max)
Premieres Friday:
Best in Snow — Teams from around the world face off in a snow-sculpting competition hosted by Tituss Burgess. For a minute, I thought they meant Hannibal Buress, and I was going to suggest those mountainous drifts might actually be made up of cocaine and white women. (Disney+)
The Cuphead Show Part 3 — The show that's a little bit retro and a little bit surreal returns, in time for Cuphead and Mugman to face the consequences of tricking the devil. Wait, there's consequences for that? Somebody tell Paul Rudd to start looking his age, and fast. (Netflix)
Disenchanted — The sequel to 2007's delightful Enchanted follows Giselle (Amy Adams) to the suburbs, where she discovers life is no fairy tale. Although she'd probably like it a lot better if she unsubscribed from Nextdoor. (Disney+)
Elite — As Season 6 begins, the students at Las Encinas high are reeling from the loss of yet another classmate. On the bright side, a death rate of one student per year makes it the safest school in America. (Netflix)
The Great British Baking Show: Holidays — Contestants in Season 5 are tasked with creating a Christmas pie entirely from leftovers. Oh my God ... has anybody checked the burial chapel at Windsor? (Netflix)
Inside Job Part 2 — The animated manifestation of a million conspiracy theories adds Adam Scott as the voice of one Rob Steadler, Chief Mind Eraser for the Illuminati. Great, now we'll never find out what Paul Pelosi was doing at Savoy. (Netflix)
Interrupting Chicken— Piper the chicken clucks her way out of the pages of kidlit and into a preschool series, showing her love of a good tale by lobbing an endless, enthusiastic volley of questions and suggestions. In Orlando, we have a different name for animals who keep interrupting storytime: “Nazis.” (Apple TV+)
Mickey: The Story of a Mouse— The 2022 South by Southwest Film Festival marked the debut of this 93-minute tribute to moviedom’s most famous rodent. Well, until Mickey Rourke came along, anyway. (Disney+)
The People We Hate at the Wedding — The quest to find another Bridesmaids continues, as Kristen Bell and Ben Platt head to the English countryside for the nuptials of a half-sister they could frankly live without. To be fair, I'm sure England considers us the half-sibling they could frankly live without. (Amazon Prime)
Somebody — Nail-biting suspense ensues when a South Korean software developer learns that the dating app she created is being used as a database of potential murder victims. Listen, the way some of those people spell and punctuate, we'd probably be better off. (Netflix)
Spirited — Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrell star in a musical upending of A Christmas Carol, in which Reynolds' Scrooge stand-in forces Ferrell's Ghost of Christmas Present to examine his own life choices. Seems like a pretty cheap way to get out of talking about Green Lantern. (Apple TV+)
The Wonderful Autumn of Mickey Mouse — In his latest seasonal special, Mickey tries to turn things around at the failing pumpkin farm he’s inherited. The first step in his master plan is charging every pumpkin $8 per month for verification. (Disney+)
Premieres Sunday:
Elton John Live — Farewell From Dodger Stadium — Help Sir Reg say sayonara to the concert stage with a three-hour livestream from his last-ever show in North America. That is, unless he cancels at the very last minute, like he did to Orlando in 2018. But what else are you going to do on a Sunday night? Learn macramé? (Disney+)
Premieres Monday:
Death in the Dorms — Every episode of this docuseries shares another true story of a college student who was tragically murdered. "Those campuses are death traps," scoffs the absentee manager of your East Orlando apartment complex. (Hulu)
Premieres Tuesday:
Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would — Two weeks before he exits The Daily Show, Noah takes to the stand-up stage to talk about (among other things) his experience trying to learn the German language. Smart move: Most of what's going on in America right now would make more sense in the original German. (Netflix)
Welcome to Chippendales — Kumail Nanjiani plays Somen "Steve" Banerjee, the founder of the Chippendales male-burlesque empire, in a drama series that shows just how desperate and deluded some women can be. By which I mean the ones who worked craft services on this thing and thought they'd be making more than 83 cents on the dollar. (Hulu)
