‘The Pursuit of Love,’ ‘Jungle Cruise,’ ‘Tattoo Redo’ and more streaming shows debuting this week

Lily James and Emily Beecham in 'The Pursuit of Love'
Lily James and Emily Beecham in 'The Pursuit of Love'

Streaming premieres this week that you won't want to miss.

Premieres Wednesday: Bartkowiak — Did you hear the one about the Polish MMA fighter? He was the main character of an action drama about familial loss and revenge, and there was nothing funny about him whatsoever. (I'm trying not to offend anyone this week. Wish me luck!) (Netflix)

Chip 'n Dale: Park Life — New cartoons put the classic characters in fresh predicaments. For example, Dale lands in hot water when he goes after a big dog's nuts. Chestnuts, I mean. Boy, this is going to be harder than I thought. (Disney+)

The Snitch Cartel: Origins — True events inspired this series about Colombian siblings who built their livelihood on cocaine. Now, the old me would have commented that he had no idea Shakira and Sofia Vergara were even related. But come on! Those women are national treasures! (Netflix)

Tattoo Redo — Wow, a reality show in which tattoo artists have to salvage the lousy jobs others did? I bet you'll have "No ragrets" about watching. (Seriously, I don't think I'm going to make it.) (Netflix)

Turning the Tables with Robin Roberts — The GMA anchor interviews some of the power players who have made Hollywood a more welcoming environment for women. Like ... Phylicia Rashad? Nope, not gonna do it. I promised my editor, and I've got bills to pay. (Disney+)

The Wonderful World of Mickey Mouse: Batch 2 — Oh, the hell with it. HOW CAN DISNEY ACT LIKE THEY'RE DOWN WITH THE VAG WHEN THEY'RE MAKING SCARLETT TAKE THE FALL FOR BLACK WIDOW? Ahhhh, that's better. Anyway, here's some cartoons about Mickey grabbing Pluto's nuts or something. (Disney+)

Premieres Thursday: The Boy Behind the Door — Two tweens endure the worst night of their lives when they're taken to a scary house in the middle of nowhere. On the plus side, they might not have to worry about going back to school unvaccinated. (Shudder)

Resort to Love — Christina Milian plays a down-on-her-luck songstress who's hired to perform at her ex's wedding. If this were a Harmony Korine movie, she'd be performing at his bachelor party. (Netflix)

Premieres Friday: Glow Up — The third season of the British makeup competition presents challenges like "Create a clumpy lash" and "Create a comic-book lip." Hey, why stop there? FULL MODOK HEAD! (Netflix)

Jungle Cruise — Disney's latest Premier Access release will probably be blamed for keeping customers away from the multiplex. Then again, maybe they shouldn't have named Dwayne Johnson's boat The Delta Variant. (Disney+)

The Last Mercenary — Jean-Claude Van Damme stars as a former federal agent out to protect a Mob target who doesn't know they're father and son. The first hint: They can both crack walnuts with their ass. (Netflix)

Myth & Mogul: John DeLorean — A docuseries about the auto magnate who inadvertently gave the world Back to the Future. And taught us to never store your blow in the glove compartment. (Netflix)

Outer Banks — Season 2 finds the North Carolina teens in the Bahamas, trying to avoid a murder rap. Man, when I'm running from the feds, I only get to hide out at Bahama Breeze. (Netflix)

The Pursuit of Love — Emily Mortimer directs Lily James in an adaptation of the titular novel about upper-class English life in the period between World Wars I and II. Stay tuned for the sequel, "Wasn't the Blitz a Spot of Bother?" (Amazon Prime)

Premieres Tuesday: Shiny Flakes: The Teenage Drug Lord — A young German convict explains how he launched a narcotics empire from his bedroom. What finally tripped him up: a celebratory trip to Wunderbar. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm headed to Bahama Breeze. (Netflix)