Psych Dad wants to rap with you about 5 ways to enhance your Disney holiday experience

It’s that time of year again! The stockings are hung, the menorahs are lit (and so is your racist uncle) and the ex-Orlandoans are returning in droves with their tongues outstretched awaiting whatever psychedelic compounds you can lay on them. This year the top item on everyone's wish list is a free ticket to Disney and a quarter-ounce of mushrooms.

Before we go on, if this doesn’t sound like your cup of psilocybin tea may I recommend Disney Tourist Blog’s Self Guided Yuletide Tour. If you want to read funny though probably irresponsible things instead … proceed.

1. Osborne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights: OK, this one is a bit obvious. But OMG you are gonna freeeeeeeeeak. This will be the last year that Disney decks out the Streets of America at Hollywood Studios to present like a gajillion holiday lights. (Is it OK if I just call them Christmas Lights? I don’t even know anymore.) In actuality there are more than 5 million lights.

Psychedelic Dad says, "… Yeah, and if you are on mescaline, you see EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. I 'high'ly encourage you to pick up a pair of diffraction glasses (maybe from my pals in Moon Jelly?) before you go."

2. Holidays Around The World Candlelight Processional at Epcot: To be perfectly honest, I have totally cried while watching this. Celebrities narrate the heartbreaking story of refugees trying to find a place to stay because some crazy dude wants to kill their baby or something like that. (Not totally sure on details … can someone clarify?) This is part of Epcot’s Holidays Around the World Celebration. Apart from the processional, which really can be quite lovely, you get to see all the weird Santas from other countries. My personal favorite is the story of Julenissen, from Norway. Julenissen is essentially the same as our good ol’ American Santa, but the real treat comes from the storyteller, Sigrid.

Psychedelic Dad says, "That weird little gnome or troll or whatever the hell he was supposed to be screwed up my buzz in a big way. I’m starting to think this is a list of things to avoid while zonked."

3. Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party: On select nights from Nov. 8 until Dec. 18 if you have an extra $74-$82 to drop you can eat cookies and see fake snow at the Magic Kingdom theme park. I have never personally gone to this, as I can’t justify paying that much for the opportunity to meet the characters from A Nightmare Before Christmas, but I know someone who has gone.

Psychedelic Dad says, "Back in the ’60s we used to joke that the best way to intensify a trip was to eat 100 snickerdoodle cookies. Now that I have been to this expensive party I see that equation is missing one variable: You need 100 snickerdoodles AND Audio Animatronic bears from Tennessee."

4. Resort Hop: This is the part where you go to the Disney Tourist Blog link that I mentioned earlier. While I wait for you to get back, I will talk up my favorite Disney website, Parkeology. If you enjoy my little ditties here, well, I am the Monkees to their Beatles.

Psychedelic Dad says, "What are you doing plugging other blogs for? I thought we were talking about DRUGSSSS AND SANTAAAAAA??!!??!!"

5. Mickey’s Jingle Jungle Parade at Animal Kingdom Park: Calm down, Psychedelic Dad, we'll talk about drugs and Santa again ... but in the form of a cautionary tale. If you decide that combining psychedelic drugs, large crowds, contact with children, talking electronic creatures, Santa and security guards is for you …just promise me two things. First, you must know that I do not recommend that kind of behavior. Also, I need you to promise that you will not get stuck exiting A Bug’s Life right when this so-called “parade” starts.

Psychedelic Dad says, "Three years ago I almost melted my own face off on peyote waiting for this dumb parade to pass after departing from the slightly-below-average attraction A Bug’s Life. Psy Ma said she wasn’t ever coming back to this anxiety pit. I can’t imagine what it’s like now with all of those construction walls."

Well, folks, that’s a wrap … get it, like a present? How many times do I have to tell you how funny I am? I hope this was as much fun for you to read as it was for me and Psychedelic Dad to write. Most of all, I hope that you and yours have the merriest, happiest whatever. Peace, y'all.