If you were following last week's episode of Dynasty: Orlando, then you probably caught wind that FOREVER Commissioner Daisy Lynum, she of the fifth district (basically Parramore), was in some kind of internal squabble with her own son Juan Lynum, who, for at least a minute, seemed like he was running against his mom in the April 8 city elections, along with two other women who Daisy has taken to calling "thugs" (which is kind of the new "N"-word, amirite?). Anyway, it was all very uncomfortable and Daisy wasn't talking about it to the media and yes, she's in her 60s and has been known to pull really odd comments out of thin air, but that doesn't erase the fact that it seemed like she would be holding her seat – first won in 1998 – for all of eternity. SHE IS FUCKING DAISY LYNUM. Today, we find out that this was all somehow orchestrated, with Daisy basically keeping her seat warm until her son Juan – he of the racial-profiling traffic case accusations that really could have ruined Daisy's career – could get his own qualifying papers in order. The senior Lynum will step aside and withdraw from the race, just like she allegedly withdrew from a public meeting on the new soccer stadium and all the gentrification that implies last week.
We've covered Lynum extensively over the years, often allowing her loops around her own private and sublime lexicon to speak for themselves, especially when we used to do "Quote of the Week" in the older incarnation of our Council Watch column. She's loved us and hated us and walked away from us because we were smoking, but she's also a human being. We want to be careful not to pile on in what could be a personal/health/aging situation for Lynum. We are, however, intrigued by the drama and apparent nepotism playing out before our Monday eyes, so we will be following the saga as it unfolds at this afternoon's meeting at City Hall. AND YOU'RE INVITED. Let's watch, shall we?
Refresh for updates.
2:06 p.m.: DAISY IS LEADING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, BECAUSE SHE IS THE CITY FLAG
2:08 p.m.: There's talk about demolition of the bleachers and "heritage" of Tinker Field. Buddy Dyer does not seem very happy. Also, needs haircut.
2:10 p.m.: Commish Jim Gray just had a grandchild, making him human finally
2:12 p.m.: Buddy is talking about the mammoth issuance of municipal bonds that will be blindly approved by a group of people who like their credit cards MAXED.
2:13 p.m.: Commissioners Gray and Stuart were re-elected without opposition for April 8. HERE COMES THE FIRST MENTION OF DAISY LEAVING. "I've been a commissioner almost 16 years and I've had a good time." "I delightfully and joyfully endorse my son Juan Lynum to run for the seat."
2:14 p.m.: "I'm retiring and I'm endorsing my son to run, and I think that's a good thing for District 5 and the city."
2:15 p.m.: "When our economy goes south, my district goes south."
2:15 p.m.: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS DAISY MADE MAGICALLY HAPPEN. "Within six months of my being elected, my predecessor died." SHE NEVER GOT ANY HELP. We're talking about charter schools in Parramore now and desegregation; also, Mercy Drive, drainage, pillars, bus shelters.
Number one priority was The Willows, she says, and how she tagged 125 cars and pulled them out? What world is this?
2:18 p.m.: Narrowed Tampa Ave. NOBODY WANTED SIDEWALKS. Daisy made everybody understand the importance of sidewalks.
2:19 p.m.: She's rambling now. There's some talk about TDT funds and Daisy and namedrop and Daisy and the law school and Daisy and OMG, Daisy saved Parramore.
2:20 p.m.: She's trying to be careful and she wants to say thank you. NOW, THE BLUEPRINT THING. Daisy did make the Blueprint thing happen, to be fair. Good on her. BUT STOP RAMBLING.
2:21 p.m.: OMG, you guys, everything Daisy makes happen ends up getting redistricted into Sam Ings' district 6, but she wants you to know she did it all. The biggest thing - THE BIGGEST THING! - involved Mel Martinez, $18 million, Buddy Dyer, and a park. "There are some things we didn't get around to finishing." OH, OTEY PLACE. THE BBIF. THESE THINGS THAT WILL SOIL YOUR LEGACY.
2:22 p.m.: IN DEFENSE OF ALL THE FLOWERS SHE SENT, CHANNEL 9
2:23: "I love policy, I love good governance. I have sometimes short patience with foolishness."
2:24 p.m.: She is basically saying that Juan already has her job.
2:25 p.m.: "THAT'S STILL SHORTER THAN COMMISSIONER INGS," says Lynum about Ings' notorious longwindedness.
2:38 p.m.: There's been quiet acknowledgment that there will be more CEREMONIOUS moments honoring Lynum's legacy later. Nobody had time to prepare for this BOMBSHELL. Still watching to see if anyone cries though.
2:45 p.m.: Daisy has senioritis. She's making audible talking noises while Robert Stuart is chatting up DICK'S SPORTING GOODS, about which he is "thrilled."
2:46 p.m.: Patty Sheehan "will not make any more comments" about Daisy because apparently she's just been drafted to be on Juan's canvasing board.
2:48 p.m.: Patty will be wearing Wonder Woman underwear at the Undie Run.
2:49 p.m.: UH-OH, not related, Sheehan is going hard on See Art Orlando and the lack of transparency. Also, "I feel the same way" about Tinker Field. "The wrecking ball, I'm glad, is not going to hit Tinker Field." Sheehan didn't know MLK actually spoke there once.
2:50 pm: "I don't want my constituents to pay for my political hubris," in relation to Tinker Field issue.
3:01 p.m.: WHY IS EVERYONE ACTING LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT AN SEIU IMPASSE AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO WEEP FOR THE IMPENDING EXIT OF QUEEN DAISY LYNUM? WHAT KIND OF CITY ARE WE, REALLY?
3:10 p.m.: "Commissioner Sheehan, your hair is awesome," says SEIU guy
3:10 p.m.: Also, he has the same hair as Sheehan. THE SAME HAIR.
3:11 p.m.: CAN DAISY LYNUM JUST MEDIATE ALL OF THIS UNION STUFF WHILE REFERENCING ERRANT CHICKENS LIKE SHE USED TO? I MISS DAISY LYNUM'S WANDERING THINK-TALKING.
3:19 p.m.: "Bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded" - totally unrelated to Daisy, but this union argument with hair is not being terribly kind to the city and the administration.
3:30 p.m.: Daisy is talking. "My concern - it reminds me of congress and this deficit we got... - we really don't want to go back. .... " OMG, not making any sense. Carry on. There seems to be some sense that it is more convenient to negotiate union contracts at once rather than repeatedly. "I just don't like the idea of everywhere," says Daisy. "I just didn't like that whole thing about you punish us when we're naughty, thing, because you want to get paid more."
3:33 p.m.: "I have problems with the every year..."
3:36 p.m.: "Commissioner Lynum, you didn't do the math," says SEIU guy. "I don't see humor in it really." Uh-oh.
3:47 p.m.: Have you ever watched a contract negotiation? Don't.
3:50 p.m.: We're talking averages in retroactive pay, and LET THEM EAT CAKE.
3:51 p.m.: EVERYONE IS CONFUSED AND SPEAKING IN ALGORITHMS
3:52 p.m.: "I GUESS I'M A COMMUNIST OR SOMETHING" - PATTY SHEEHAN
4:02 p.m.: Tony Ortiz just figured out the exact distance between his elbow and his asshole. Again, Daisy doesn't like the "being punished" thing. She's not comfortable "punishing someone." I DON'T THINK HAVE THE DAIS KNOWS WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT.
4:05 p.m.: "It's done," Daisy just said. And if only I believed her. Commissioner Stuart doesn't like it, his bowtie doesn't like it, Sheehan is mumbling into a hot mike and Stuart just said the word "punish" again. WE'RE NOT FIGURING OUT THE LYNUM MESS TODAY. Here's what we DO know. Sheehan is on staff for the Juan Lynum juggernaut, Daisy Lynum is out come June, and with her will go the meandering thoughts about lavender and butterflies and chickens and racial equality.
Have a great afternoon, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Peyton Place.