Orlando Sentinel columnist Kathleen Parker is a very important writer. Not only does she speak for the entire South, including all those soccer moms and NASCAR dads, she is also the voice of independents throughout the land. Not since Will Rogers has there been a writer whose words reflected the feelings of so many Americans. As we said, she is very important.

However, her columns can be somewhat, um, inscrutable. That's understandable when you are important. Donald Rumsfeld has the same problem when he speaks. So, as a service to Parker readers everywhere, every once in a while we will decode and summarize Parker's columns published the week prior. We offer this service because we care. And because it's important.

May 5: "A few bad apples, tens of thousands of good men, women"

Summary: Yeah, those prison-abuse photos were bad. But there is no pattern of systematic abuse being dictated from the top. To prove it, I've quoted an Army Ranger from Orlando. What more do you need to know?

May 9: "When dumb is deadly"

Summary: There is a direct connection between Ben Stiller getting his dick caught in his zipper in "There's Something About Mary" and American soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners. Do you realize what's in Mary's hair? Perhaps the Farrelly brothers should answer for Abu Ghraib.