Way too much to drink

If you thought Evian and Perrier were the epitome of hydration, you haven't seen "fitness water" yet. Aquèss has fiber, Calcium Springs has calcium, Glaceau adds soy, Propell (from Gatorade) has vitamins and Oxy-Water is "impregnated with extra oxygen."

I've actually seen people making coffee with "caffeine enhanced" Water Joe, and if you have a craving for extra magnesium, get Peace Mountain (which is kosher). Put on some weight? Get a dose of appetite suppressant with Skinny Water. Outgrown the kid stuff? DNA is spring water, fruit flavor and an alcohol level of five percent. To load up on trace elements, Evamor adds chromium, vanadium, molybdenum, germanium and selenium -- I have no idea why.

After you've hydrated yourself, pick up some Dog Water -- it's fluoridated, purified and includes a flying disc. Visit your favorite grocery, health-food or convenience store for a fix.