AUG. 14, 11:34 P.M.: A scrawny 74-year-old man, probably undernourished, was hungry. He happened to be downtown in the 600 block of North Orange Avenue when he spotted a local submarine sandwich shop and decided to do something crazy.

He somehow scaled the shop's walls until he stood proud and tall atop its roof, perhaps pondering the delectable deli meats and creamy condiments below. The next step was removing an air-conditioning vent to gain actual entry, but his actions were cut short. Officers arrived and set up a cordon, surrounding the sub-shop senior. They ordered him off the roof lickety-split, and when he hit the ground, he was immediately handcuffed.

AUG. 13, 11:30 P.M.: A 24-year-old man and his icy-eyed albino boxer, Gunner, were cruising toward the teeny town of Belle Isle in an aquamarine pickup truck. Everything was cool on this clammy night until said driver was lured through a neighborhood off South Orange Blossom Trail and Carter Street – a shortcut that'd prove to be shaky.

The Dodge truck came to a screeching halt at a stop sign when approximately seven young boys between the ages of 12 and 16 emerged from black shadows like children of the corn. One of the older delinquents was quick to grab ol' Gunner – who was obviously a kindhearted canine – from the back of the truck as the driver proceeded to exit his vehicle, probably ready to kick some ass. As the driver confronted the punks, one sneaked around the truck and pressed a pellet gun to the man's head, demanding that he "give him everything," police reports state.

Instead, the pissed-off passerby snatched the pistol from the hooligan, leaving the streetwise guys with no choice but to run away. The man flung the pellet gun at one of the smartasses scampering down the street, perhaps aiming for the back of his head, which likely deserved a hearty pistol whip. He spent the next two hours searching for his "very rare" $1,200 pooch, police reports state, but the disappeared doggy was never found.

AUG. 13, 7:20 A.M.: On a slightly cheerier note, no pups were pilfered earlier that morning, although an employee received the fright of her life.

A wandering man, 42, with sandy blond hair strolled past a bowling alley in the 400 block of North Primrose Drive. Perhaps compelled to play a speedy round on the empty lanes or polish his personal bowling ball, he smashed a front window near the main entrance and hopped inside. Unluckily for him, a lingering employee raced into an office – locking its doors, of course – to call 911. This put a damper on our man's possible recreational plans, but there was still fun to be had. He smashed open a video game machine, scoring $300 in assorted coins and bills, and managed to stuff the whole kit and caboodle in various pockets. He wouldn't get far.

An officer stopped the bungling booster, who was plastered in slivers of broken glass, at Livingston Street and Grand Avenue. His pockets were rid of the purloined coins, which will never be used toward a bowling-shoe rental.

AUG. 12, 2:45 P.M.: Not only would the following burglar(s) escape, but also their booty would be much cooler.

An unknown person or persons approached an inn in the 1800 block of North Mills Avenue, possibly after pounding a few afternoon brews at nearby Will's Pub. Our suspect or suspects started the siesta hour goldenly, gaining access to a storage room by chopping a wire panel found on its only door. Once unlocked, the person(s) pillaged the room, where an array of stuff was stored. Only a couple of worthy items were lifted: a bundle of miscellaneous cable equipment, valued at $1,000, and a miniature refrigerator (its color listed as "Brown Mink") valued at $160.

The out-of-business motel had only recently closed its doors; thus it's unlikely that any juice cartons, Dr. Thunder cans or other such beverages one might expect to find in a fudge-colored mini-fridge were stolen, thankfully.

AUG. 10, 6:30 P.M.: For some suspects, a sweet burglary is only sweeter when fists are involved.

A Creole-speaking man, 57, was walking to his apartment in the 1700 block of Mercy Drive. Unfortunately for him – and his face – the soon-to-strike suspect's agenda didn't include showing mercy. A lanky 20-year-old sporting a filthy white T-shirt ruined his day, it's to be assumed, by grabbing him from behind and delivering a vulgar punch to the right cheek of his face. Why, you ask? Police reports don't answer that question but do state that the suspect removed two crisp $1 bills – a rather pitiful prize – from the beaten man's front pockets.

After grabbing the two bucks – money which could be used to purchase, say, a tin of curiously strong Altoid mints – he removed his scuzz-stained tee and ran through the parking lot into a close-by wooded area. Officers were unable to locate the petty-cash plunderer.

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