Police Beat

DEC. 27, 4:04 A.M.: A 59-year-old man was slumbering at his home in the 2800 block of West Arlington Street. The morning sun did not awake him at this wee hour; a prostitute did.

A series of strange sounds provoked our dormant resident to roll over and open his eyes. Upon doing just that, he was greeted by a known prostitute, 30, spiffed up in black nylons. A scene out of a bad porn film? For some, perhaps. But what followed wasn't particularly sexy.

Seizing the moment, the known prostitute speedily reached over the bed to snatch the man's wallet, from which she extracted a debit card, a driver's license, a AAA card and several checks. He grabbed the harlot's arm in an effort to retrieve his valuables, but she broke loose and ran off into the night through the front door.

How did this lady of the evening manage to break into the home in the first place, you ask? Our victim "is wheelchair bound," police reports state, and "he leaves his front door unlocked because it is too difficult for him to get to the door to open it for guests." You just never know.


DEC. 25, 11 P.M.: Here's a Christmas tale for all of you. It goes like this:

It goes like this:

Two friends were spending the evening at home in the 200 block of North Westmoreland Drive. One decided to leave the house to pick up a pack of cigarettes. While he was gone, a stranger, approximately 45, noticed the home's unlocked doors and slipped inside. The interloper found the occupant and told him he "needed a place to hide because he just ‘rolled' a white guy on the train tracks," police reports state.



The occupant did not like the sound of that. He said no. So our suspect socked him in the face and produced a folding pocket knife. When friend No. 2 returned with a pack of smokes, he too was held hostage. The duo spent the remainder of Christmas cringing in fear, until the stranger left the room, giving friend No. 1 an opportunity to escape. He called 911 from a pay phone, but upon returning with officers, the stranger had disappeared, much like jolly old St. Nick himself. House occupant No. 2, by the way, was also missing.

way, was also missing.

In the end, the stranger settled for $3 in pocket change, and a Merry Christmas was had by all.

change, and a Merry Christmas was had by all.

DEC. 25, 12:33 A.M.: Ready for some more holiday cheer?

An officer pulled into the 900 block of South Rio Grande Avenue in response to a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, he observed a man, 22, kicking a plastic chair across the front lawn. Not a promising start.

promising start.

According to a witness, the chair-kicker was drunk and had "busted up everything in the house," police reports state. The officer instructed the man to sit on a stack of cinderblocks in front of the house so he could ask him a few questions. He complied, but not for long. Unable to contain his rage any longer, the man lunged forward and grabbed the officer's legs at knee height, "as though he was attempting to tackle," reports state. He was immediately arrested, but tried bargaining with the officer by telling him he would give him information about "dope traps" if he stopped the car and let him out, police reports add. Not an option, our officer told the tackler, who began screaming and yelling.

Moral of the story: Tackling a police officer will land you in jail, Christmas or not.

land you in jail, Christmas or not.

DEC. 22, 1:01 P.M.: Burglars can be really stupid sometimes.


This afternoon, a 31-year-old cashier was working at a local dollar store in the 1300 block of West Gore Street. It did not take long for her to spot a burglar wandering around the store wearing a sweatshirt stuffed with stolen dollar goods. When he exited via the front door, she followed and asked him to surrender the merchandise he was hiding under the sweatshirt. He replied by brandishing a small knife.

But the baby blade did not scare this bold cashier, who continued to order him to relinquish the goodies. At this point, the burglar proceeded with Plan B by pulling out a larger knife from his magic pocket of rapiers. He began to swing it at her, but she did not move until fellow dollar-shop employees pulled her away from the darting blade. This was a good thing. Was a freakin' samurai sword in store?

The suspect hopped onboard his black mountain-type bicycle and pedaled away with his purloined stash of T-shirts and men's underwear.


DEC. 20, 2 A.M.: Early this morning, a suspect or suspects shattered a video store's window in the 2200 block of Edgewater Drive. After three minutes of meticulous aisle scanning, approximately 10 video games were pilfered from the store's shelves. This made a fabulous early-Christmas gift for our burglar or burglars, no doubt — but why a slew of new releases, buttered popcorn and Sour Patch Kids® candies were avoided, I cannot understand.

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