Police Beat

Feb. 20

(2009-82561) 9:43 a.m.: From the Weird Things to Steal File, part one: "An unknown person gained entry to the fenced-in car lot by unknown means. The person cut the convertible top to a 2003 Honda S2000 and removed the two seats. The person then exited at an unknown point."

(2009-82961) 2:16 p.m.: From the Weird Things to Steal File, part two: "Unknown suspect(s) accessed a secured electronic display case at … Petsmart. Electronic remotes and electronic dog collars were taken during store hours by removing a secured slide-lock. … Three other Petsmart locations had similar incidents to their electronic cases."

By the way, as anyone who watches It's Me or the Dog on Animal Planet is aware — and yeah, I do; Victoria Stilwell has a bit of dominatrix kink to her, which is kind of creepy considering she's a dog trainer — electric shock collars are a terrible way to train your dog.

(2009-82964) 2:17 p.m.: Somebody climbed atop a building on South Orange Blossom Trail and did about $40,000 worth of damage to the air conditioners on the roof.

(2009-83061) 3:19 p.m.: Hey, so here's a crime: "On the above date and time, unknown suspect(s) entered the storage facility and removed the 28-foot boat."

(2009-83077) 3:31 p.m.: "On the listed date and time, the victims met with the suspect in the hotel lobby for a friendly conversation. They then went up to the victims' hotel room and when the suspect got inside, he produced a handgun and robbed the victims of their money and their cell phone and then left the hotel in an unknown direction." The report includes a handwritten addendum: "Note: This case involved Erotic Service`s` through Craigslist. `Victim` from Las Vegas. Still under investigation."

Wait, so our buddies at the MBI haven't yet eradicated vice from our fair city, or from the entire Internet? What's the holdup?

(2009-83633) 9:06 p.m.: A guy with a knife robbed another guy at a Greyhound station, then punched and kicked him.

Feb. 21

(2009-84594) 9:24 a.m.: The upside of an economy in the crapper and real-estate prices nose-diving is that your humble columnist, with his pauper's salary, may soon be able to buy a house. Like a real one, with a yard and everything! You remember all those McMansions that popped up a few years ago in various suburbs for like $250,000? Well, lots of them are now owned by the bank, which my real estate friends tell me means I can probably snatch them up — we're talking houses with a pool and like 1,800 square feet —for somewhere in the low 100s. Or in the same price range, a decent little place downtown, if I don't want to feel like a middle manager at a soon-to-be-bankrupt bank.

But there are a few places in town I've ruled out. Obviously, Pine Hills, because who wants to get shot walking the dog? And MetroWest, because of stuff like this, which happens all the time (trust me, I see lots of police reports): "Between the above listed dates and times the victim's car was broken into."

(2009-84672) 10:22 a.m.: You know what's funny? Watching Republicans on the telly dish out criticism on President Obama's spending and tax policy, or on anything at all for that matter. It's not like these jag-offs didn't have complete and total control of economic policy for the last decade while everything went to shit. Who listens to these guys? If you've had your chance and blown it that spectacularly, what makes you think we give a rat's ass what you think?

Anyway, someone stole $800 worth of jewelry from a jewelry store. Kind of like how the Republicans destroyed my 401(k).

(2009-85445) 7:37 p.m.: One, if you're driving down Mercy Drive with 24 grams of weed in your car, you might want to stash it some place other than your front pocket. Two, if you're a black male driving down Mercy Drive with 24 grams of weed in your car, you might want to ensure that all of your lights, including your tag lights, are working properly. Three, if you're driving down Mercy Drive with 24 grams of weed in your car and you get pulled over, it's probably not a good idea to give the cops a fake ID. That gives them cause to search your vehicle. Jail.

(2009-85666) 9:49 p.m.: Cops describing a drug sting: "We observed the arrestee exit the vehicle, walk across the street to `redacted` Lime Avenue. We observed the arrestee purchase two grams of crack cocaine. Officer Jackson and Officer Hyland observed the arrestee cross the street in a diagonal pattern. We approached the subject and the subject fled from us on foot. Officer Collins attempted to make contact with the white Lincoln Town Car that the arrestee was driving but fled northbound on Lime Avenue. The arrestee was apprehended and the vehicle was stopped by Sergeant Lowe at the 800 block of West Church Street. The vehicle was seized and towed by Johnson's Wrecker."

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