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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Ever had a moment, after hearing news so utterly astounding, so unbelievably wonderful that you can only sit quietly and tremble with your hand over your mouth?..
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Are you happy the writersâ?? strike is finally over? Well, I most certainly am â?¦ NOT!! What people fail to realize is that â??desperationâ? makes for the best television...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      There are only three programs you need to be concerned about this week: the return of Lost, the Super Bowl and “Super Tuesday.” Actually … scratch those last two ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Let’s establish one thing here and now: The new American Gladiators show is the greatest thing that has ever happened to humankind ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      As you may have heard, American Idol returns to TV this week (Fox, 8 p.m. Tuesday, Jan. 15), which means I’m going to buy a shotgun to blow my head off (Wal-Mart, Monday, Jan. 14, on sale $24.99) ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Happy Thanksgiving, mother-freakers! OR IS IT? If you’re anything like me, expressing an emotion even faintly resembling “thankfulness” has become a near impossibility...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Another thing I’m really good at? Pointing out other people’s problems. You know how psychiatrists work, right? I’m kind of the opposite. Instead of identifying and helping solve the problems, I just point them out ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      Though it may come as a surprise to some, I often find myself “in trouble.” However, it should be noted that any “trouble” I stumble into is rarely, if ever, my fault ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      ’m a busy guy … OK?! And that’s why it’s imperative that I follow a very strict daily calendar in order to fulfill myriad EXTREMELY IMPORTANT duties...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      First, I’d like to apologize for last week’s column in which I annoyingly implored you at least 37 times to watch Bionic Woman ...
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      If you’re wondering why I’m walking around like I’ve got a solid-gold vibrating iPhone in my bottom – it’s because THE NEW FALL SHOWS ARE HERE!
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      You know, some people have the gall to accuse ME of not knowing how a television show actually works. Well, as it turns out, I do know how a television show "works."
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  • I LOVE TELEVISION

      First things first: My car will blow the freaking DOORS off your car. It's packing a 430 four-barrel, and it's so monstrously fast I have to repaint it every week — because the paint burns off, Count Bee-yotchula!
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