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Wednesday, May 27, 2020

35 reasons I'll only wear a mask to an Orlando Costco when it's placed on my cold, dead face

Posted By on Wed, May 27, 2020 at 2:44 PM

click to enlarge PHOTO BY MATT KELLER LEHMAN
  • Photo by Matt Keller Lehman

Are you curious why someone might be vehemently against wearing a mask at Costco? Let me educate you on the simple yet compelling reasons behind my choice.

1. Because I’m a patriot. Only the kind who won’t make the smallest sacrifice for his country.

2. Me and the boys already spent a morning with our AR-15s guarding the reopening of Vic’s Barbershop last month. I’ve done my duty.

3. Besides, I’d be in the National Guard right now if I could only pass the sit-up test.

4. Tell me where in the Constitution it says you need a mask to buy a 32-pack of testosterone booster.
5. Who knows more about global contagions? Some Deep State epidemiologist? Or a guy who once got a C+ in high school biology?

6. Because being oppressed at Costco is worth 10 points in the competitive victim league we started at work.

7. It’s called owning the libs.

8. Did I mention that Vic caught the COVID? Who’s going to cut my goddamned hair now?

9. A hundred thousand people dead doesn’t mean it still couldn’t be a hoax.

10. Tucker Carlson says masks turn you gay.

11. You know what else turns you gay? Hand sanitizer.

12. This may be a little off-topic, but do you think your sister would go out with me?

13. One word: Barack Hussein Obama.

14. One more word: Crisis actors. Look it up, sheeple.

15. Yeah, I’ve been on a dry spell lately. What’s it to you? A lot of guys go eight years without a date.

16. Next thing you know, the Nanny State won’t even let you bring an assault rifle to a middle school dance recital.

17. Was Robert E. Lee wearing a mask when he threw off the yoke of tyranny at Gettysburg? I didn’t think so.

18. Can you tell your sister I’m in the management training program at Checkers?

19. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find a mask that properly accents a desert camo ensemble.
20. I wouldn’t admit it publicly, but Rachel Maddow is kind of hot.

21. Truth be told, “Give me liberty or give me a 62-ounce jar of M&M’s” is a harder decision than you think. But I’m still not wearing one.

22. It’s a moot point anyway. My mom won’t let me use her car until I finish my chores.

23. Because wearing a mask is like telling the world, “Let’s pound some White Claws and binge watch The Mindy Project.

24. You know who else refused to wear one? Our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ, that’s who.

25. Maybe I should try one of those Russian bride sites.

26. Because freedom, etc., etc.!

27. They will only take my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.

28. Christ, Mom, will you shut up about the chores?

29. I already told you: I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO COVER MY HALF OF THE CABLE BILL THIS MONTH!

30. I heard Anthony Fauci hangs out at the same bars as Colin Kaepernick.

31. But what about Benghazi?

32. You sister says no? Is that a hard no or is she just playing hard to get?

33. What if I paid her for just one date. But she’d have to promise to post the photos on Facebook so my buddies could see.

34. I’d totally win Celebrity Survivor if it wasn’t for my allergies.

35. Jesus, have you seen what they charge at these Russian bride sites?
click to enlarge PHOTO BY MATT KELLER LEHMAN
  • Photo by Matt Keller Lehman

This article first appeared in our sister paper the Cincinnati City Beat.
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