For The last two years, I've used this self-serving space in the paper to painstakingly detail what I would like for holiday gifts. I mean, c'mon, there were pictures and everything, along with websites and prices. Though I did the shopping for you, I still got nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I'm beginning to think you don't like me or something.
So instead of wasting time compiling my wish list – it'll be ignored anyway, right? – I'm going to help you help those in need. Well, not really those in need – just one man, a pillar of our community who apparently likes presents a whole lot. He is someone who wields clout, who you'd do well to suck up to, who likes his toys big. So listen up: This is your ready-made list of what to get the man who has everything (if you can find it in his size), and that man is: Kevin Beary, Orange County sheriff.
(Back to me for a minute. If the above paragraphs have guilted you into wanting to get me something, send me an e-mail at my address – [email protected] – and we'll talk more. By the way, THE WEST WING, seasons one through four – some the best dramatic television ever made, especially before producer/writer/creator Aaron Sorkin quit – would be great; www.amazon.com, $165.32.)
Now back to Beary. He's had a rough year, from enduring multiple ethics investigations to taking a $43,000 gift from a nonprofit he established (and later returned upon media exposure) to the beating he took after harassing a letter writer who called him "fat." I could go on, but you get the point: He's not terribly popular these days, so he could use some cheer. I should note that I haven't consulted with Beary, but that's only because he hasn't been very happy with our newspaper. Consider this my effort to bridge the gap.
First up, stress relief. The good sheriff has to be feeling some anxiety over the fact that every time his name appears in print, it ain't good news. And what better way to relax than a nice smoke? I suggest a tobacco water-filtration device to, uh, minimize negative health effects or something. For instance, a FLUORESCENT ACRYLIC BONG from www.grasscity.com ($39.20) should do the trick. Don't get put off by the word "bong" either. Yeah, some people may use these devices to get high, but not him. Although, come to think of it, maybe a little weed would do the trick. It's medicinal. I'm just sayin'.
Then again, I don't get the feeling that Beary is much for bong-ripping, no matter what substance is in the bowl. I get the impression that he'd much rather relax by BLOWING THINGS UP. Beary's already accepted six firearms as gifts, but now that President Clinton's silly assault rifle ban has expired, we can all exercise our right to purchase automatic weapons. So let's think about giving him something truly remarkable, something like a SEMI-AUTOMATIC M16, perfect for hunting deer or unruly peoples. Beary took a donated $800 .223-caliber assault rifle on his post-hurricane trip to Mississippi, but I think he needs the Alex Beo Entry .50-Caliber Beowulf Rifle (www.AR15pro.com, $1,007.72). Add a laser sight to it for only $28.52.
Next up, PIMPING BEARY'S RIDE. I haven't the slightest clue what Beary drives, but I have read that he has an affection for Harley-Davidson motorcycle accessories, so he either has a hog or he really wants one. I don't know shit about motorcycles, but I'll recommend one anyway: a 2006 Harley-Davidson Fat Boy ($17,230, Orlando Harley-Davidson, www.orlandoharley.com). Yes, I selected the "Fat Boy" because it would be uncomfortable if Beary's ass was hanging over the sides of his seat. And I'm guessing the Fat Boy's saddle prevents this particular problem.
Seeing as how the sheriff seems to like big toys, there can only be one car that meets his needs: A HUMMER. Duh. Not the H2s or, even worse, the H3s driven around by stupid-ass suburbanites, but the real deal, the H1, just a few degrees from having a mounted machine gun and cruising the sands of Iraq. This paramilitary wonder gives even men with the smallest of genitalia a feeling of total confidence. Weighing in at more than four tons, the four-door wagon version of the H1 – he's a family man, after all – can tow more than 9,000 pounds of something really friggin' big and is ideal in the event of an invasion or another occasion when you need to get your hands on the closest thing to a tank. The 2006 H1 Alpha Wagon will only set you back $140,796 (Hummer of Orlando; www.hummeroforlando.com) – not such a hefty price for such bravado, right? (Added online shopping bonus: Googling the word "hummer" gets all kinds of fun results!)
On to CLOTHING. Everyone else may have chuckled when the Sentinel reported that Taser International couldn't find a "Riding the Buffalo" polo shirt in Beary's requested "XXL" size, but I didn't laugh. (Apparently, you get a shirt if you've been stunned by one of those things, though I doubt that offer extends to Joe Crackdealer.) The problem of finding clothes for the big-boned is a serious one that needs further discussion among problem-solving types. More immediate to Beary, there's no way to know for sure how large he's gonna get, what with all this stress, so we'll start with a variety of elastic-banded sweat pants, available at Wal-Marts everywhere (www.walmart.com) for $4.97. What a deal!
For formal and work-related wear, www.bigmen.com is a helpful starting point. Pick up an XXL lined government-style field jacket for $139.95. Then pick out some military medals to pin on that jacket. Earlier this year, we busted Beary for wearing military medals on his uniform that he hadn't earned. At www.usmilitarystuff.com, "earn" Beary an Army Distinguished Service Cross ($53.95) and a Silver Star ($34.25).
In order to maintain his infamous girth, the man's gotta eat, so a $500 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steak House ought to do him well for a dinner date. As would a box of Omaha steaks – order online (www.omahasteaks.com) to have a half-dozen 6-ounce sirloins ($32.50) sent right to Beary's office.
Finally, we're going to help solve the good sheriff's biggest problem: too much coverage by the media. I racked my brain, but for the life of me I can't figure out a solution to this particular issue – other than, you know, the sheriff not doing unseemly things, but there's only so much you can ask of the man. Instead, buy the sheriff a book to reinforce his idea that the liberal media is out to get him, even though he can do no wrong: Bernard Goldberg's BIAS: A CBS INSIDER EXPOSES HOW THE MEDIA DISTORT THE NEWS ($11.96, www.amazon.com). I wouldn't read such right-wing drivel by a man trying to gain some traction among the Sean Hannitys of the world, but Beary would eat it right up.
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