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click to enlarge YOU'RE SO ORLANDO IF ...
by Morgan Steele

In launching our debut edition of the You're So Orlando If … Contest, we were surprised to discover that, hey, our readers can write some funny stuff when prodded. So here are the responses, with the winners chosen by the measure of our own personal fun-o-meters. Read the top three winners, the honorable mentions and all the rest. And if you don't relate to what you're reading, you're not so Orlando.


… you've left Roxy nightclub in an ambulance.

Rob Dickson, Orlando (wins an annual pass to Wall Street Plaza, with a $100 bar tab)

by Morgan Steele


… you've entertained a seemingly friendly conversation with a stranger at a bar, only to have it end with: "Repent and find Jesus Christ, whore!" (This actually happened to my mother.)

Sam Randazzo, Orlando
(wins 50 bucks, cold cash)


… you get excited about any of the prizes in this contest.

Christine Williams, Orlando

… you have ever caught a crotch fungus from wearing your character costume.

Jen Garrison, Orlando
(each wins a Lake Eola swan boat ride with the Orlando Weekly staffer of her choice)


… you put your Christmas lights up in your bikini, and I have seen it.

Sherrie Moya, Orlando

… your T-shirt is also your mission statement.

Jason Coon, Orlando

click to enlarge YOU'RE SO ORLANDO IF ...
by Morgan Steele
… you didn't go to Nude Nite because you were afraid it would be broken up by an MBI sting.

Sam Randazzo, Orlando

… you used to be in a boy band and sent your professional modeling head shot in to appear on your Visa credit card.

Jessika, Orlando

… you find yourself humming the jingle for Premier Adult Factory Outlet in church.

Justin Kirkwood, Altamonte Springs

… everywhere you go, you think about how much better it was when it was something else.

Mark Holtz, Orlando

… you considered going to the Eola Wine Bar during the Post shooting because it sounded like a good way to pick up women.

Bart Marek, Orlando

… all the pedicab bikers know where you live.

Diane DeWitt, Orlando

… you work at a theme park to pay for your implants.

Michele Waddell, Orlando

… you were born in another city, have more than one job and still can't afford to live by yourself.

Justin Johnson, Orlando


… your air conditioning bill is higher than the annual budget for most small countries.

Bill Young, Orlando

… you have 15 or more outstanding parking tickets from leaving your car downtown because you got too drunk to drive.

And you feel wholeheartedly that they should magically be waived as an award for not driving drunk like everyone else.

Jeanna Ceballos, Longwood

… you remember hanging out late night at Visage, Electric Avenue, WWIII, Egypt and Aahz.

Wendy Anderson, Winter Park

… you call the TD Waterhouse the O-rena! (wish the name never changed)

Robin Rice, Orlando

by Morgan Steele
… you remember going to the planetarium to see the Pink Floyd or Rush laser light show.

… you have a T-shirt from the '90s that says "Seattle East."

… you pretend you are homeless and hang out on Wall Street.

Laura Shadle, Sanford

… you live for Trick Shots.

Eric Amundrud, Orlando

… your fridge is covered with tear-outs of events from the Orlando Weekly.

… stumbling home from Antigua's happy hour at 8 p.m. is normal for you.

Diane DeWitt, Orlando

… you've slept with all the guys you hung out with in high school

… and their brothers.

Elizabeth Wiggins, Orlando

… you refuse to go in the pool because the water temperature feels hotter than the air temperature.

Bill Young, Orlando

… you keep the smile on your face and the sweat off of it.

Dorothy Hood, The Villages

… you like the local TV newscasts.

Frank Barnes, Deltona

… you don't know anyone actually born and raised in Orlando.

… you don't think twice about wearing your sunglasses while driving in the rain.

… you turn the heat on in your house as the temperature dips below 65.

… you drive to the store three blocks from your house.

… you think this town has no culture.

… you know this town really does have culture.

… you have no idea Matchbox Twenty is from here.

… you know that all the bands want to come here in the winter.

… you buy a new sweater that will only be worn once a year.

… you remember the ate-up raver kids chillin' downtown on Sunday morning as you walked to church with your family.

… you remember Aahz, The Edge, The Abyss, Resurrection or Visage.

… the Magic break your heart every year.

… you have no idea about the history of Central Florida.

Jason Coon, Orlando

… your idea of helmet-to-helmet contact has nothing to do with football!

… you have more rainbows on your car than are in the sky!

Annette Salamone, Orlando

… you break out the snowsuit when the temperature dips below 70.

… you think Matchbox Twenty deserves automatic enshrinement in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

… your idea of the perfect Major League sport is a cross between the WWE and a monster truck rally.

… you think the Bank of America tower is as famous as the Empire State Building.

… when people say "barbecue," you think of the bar next to the Social rather than pulled pork.

… you're from Long Island.

Russ J. Stacey, Orlando

… widening I-4 was all part of your intelligent design.

Brady Koch, Sanford

… you're underage and drink beer with undercover police.

Hoan Husway, Orlando

… you buy beer on Sunday.

Heather Lavender, Apopka

… you call the sandy area on the lake at your new condo "the beach."

Teresa Smith, Orlando

… you eat dinner at the free happy hour buffet.

Troy Hays, Mount Dora

… your social calendar revolves around FSU/UF/UCF college football games.

… English is your second language.

… you've become accustomed to the sidewalk modern art consisting of various shopping carts.

Charlene Gary, Orlando

… you weren't born here.

Pickle Juice, Orlando

by Morgan Steele
… you can not only name all five Backstreet Boys, but also point out their various houses around town.

Christopher Drager, Altamonte Springs

… you still have a blue tarp on your roof.

Michael Syljebeck, Orlando

… you've ever started out on a Friday night, determined to find a hip, exciting night spot, only to end up sitting in Denny's eating chili cheese fries.

Phil Bonanno, Orlando

… you consider a night at the Olive Garden to be fine dining.

Jessica Bonanno, Orlando

… your rent is a week late, you just woke up on a sofa in the back of a box truck, your cell is missing and you're known as the naked guy at the Lodge!

Eric Caldwell, Winter Park

… you think a three-piece suit is a coat, tie and blazer (with khakis).

Leslie Quarles, Orlando

… you come from somewhere else.

… you think Carrot Top is funny.

… you are on a first-name basis with the bartender at The Parliament House.

Mark Miley, Oviedo

… you eat a different country's delicacy every day of the week for lunch!

Kathy Doll, Longwood

… your prayers have been answered by the Handy Pantry.

Susanne Butler, Orlando

… you are a guy, work at the Magic Kingdom, have a wife and children and still manage to find time to have Michael Wanzie fondle your feet on weekends.

Pat Thompson, Orlando

… you spend more on gas to drive to your job than you get paid.

… you have to live with three roommates to afford a two-bedroom apartment, but you really don't mind because you never see any of them due to their weird work schedules.

Daniel Salvagno, Orlando

… you remember when there were orange groves all around and you don't really miss them.

Mike Smith, Orlando

by Morgan Steele
… you have a tribal butterfly above your ass.

Dan Babroski, Oviedo

… you walk into Bar-BQ-Bar and you've already slept with the first five people you see.

Craig Mitchell, Orlando

… you've left your car or truck windows down "just for a minute" then had to sit on a wet seat because of a rainstorm.

… you keep a towel in your car to put on the steering wheel when you park in the hot sun.

David L. Lambert, Orlando

… you know every conceivable combination of jokes that involve "yo mama" and Orange Blossom Trail.

… you've convinced yourself that the Florida Film Festival is more credible than Sundance.

… you've run into Carrot Top at least eight times.

… you refuse to call the Sapphire Supper Club, Barbarella and the Orlando Arena by their new names.

… in your public high school computer science class, all of the kids huddled around one abacus.

Justin Kirkwood, Altamonte Springs

… you go out six nights a week and still bitch about being bored.

Jen Garrison, Orlando

… your holy trinity is Daytona, Darlington and Talladaga.

… your "Mecca" is attending the Daytona 500.

James Pitts Marsh, Orlando

… you have run around the O-Rena with the Fat Man.

… you remember when the Magic were good.

… you've gone to Eatonville after last call downtown just to have one more beer.

Rob Dickson, Orlando

by Morgan Steele
… the Ghostbusters fighting a towering Sta-Puf Lou Pearlman in the burnt-out shell of Church Street Station is a recurring dream/nightmare/prophecy.

… you're starstruck when you see Wendy Chioji ordering up some mashed taters in line at a Boston Market.

… you don't dare speak to your fellow city-dwellers while outside of a designated pan-handling box.

… you've been tasered by one of Beary's Angels while handcuffed and unconscious in the back of a patrol car.

Sam Randazzo, Orlando

… you pay for your tan.

Rahim Kazi, Orlando

… you've seen Mick the Dick. You're proud to be a redneck. You're rich, old and wealthy and stink.

Chernie Naicker, Orlando

… chic is a metrosexual and a blue martini.

… empowerment is owning an iPod.

… the House of Parliament is not a legislative branch.

… living downtown gives you mobility.

… you own a $450,000 home with no furniture.

… obesity is a requisite for a law enforcement official.

… playing Lotto is an educational experience.

… Bohemian is a grand hotel.

Glen Kelley, Ocoee


… you see all things Disney as Satan Inc.

Lucas Draper, Orlando

… you warn your relatives, who are planning to visit you, that your air conditioning and icemaker aren't working.

Michael Husway, Orlando

… you are on a first-name basis with the characters at Disney World.

Jeff Mason, Gainesville

… you can't go anywhere else without buying something that has the word "Disney" on it!

Christopher Birdsong, Cocoa

… you don't use the term "Mickey Mouse."

Robert Dout, Orlando

… you know all the lines that they say at all of the attractions while waiting in line for them!

Jennifer Vicente, Orlando

… you know all the back roads to your favorite attractions in order to avoid all the tourists.

Robb Reyes, Orlando

… you've never been to Disney World.

Diane DeWitt, Orlando

… you hate Walt Disney while at the same time acknowledging that without him we wouldn't even be here.

Jason Coon, Orlando

by Morgan Steele
… you need appointments for your guest room, due to all your friends and family visiting you and Mickey.

Iliana Cano, Miami

… your tag says "MKY 4EVR" Tammi Simmons, Orlando

… your idea of a great exercise workout is "power walking in the theme parks."

… you join a local social club and sign up Mickey Mouse as your "significant other."

Teresa Smith, Orlando

… you have happily spent 45 minutes in line for a two-minute ride in 95-degree weather but threw a hissy fit because you had to wait 10 minutes in line to get into a decent club in Miami and proclaimed loudly to the doorman, "We NEVER have to do this in Orlando!"

Jeanna Ceballos, Longwood

… you bitch about all the theme parks as you're fishing your annual pass out of your wallet.

Michelle Snow, Orlando

… at some point in your life you worked for a theme park.

Heather Young, Orlando

… you use the word "tourist" as a derogatory expression. Example: "Only a tourist would do something that stupid."

Heather Mullins, DeLand

… your wallet contains more season passes than canceled credit cards.

Stephanie Meade, Orlando

… you think Church Street is lame.

Chris Camiscioli, Orlando

… you have annual passes to all the theme parks.

Tamika Jackson, Orlando

… you take a day off work to go to a theme park with family/friends and complain about it.

Heather Young, Orlando

… you've named your firstborn MICKEY.

Nicole Johnson, St. Cloud

… your Mickey Mouse ears are on so tight you actually enjoy working at Disney.

Mark Miley, Oviedo

… you have lost all faith in the common decency of mankind, having been hardened by your hospitality-industry job.

Lisa Zawada, Orlando

… you moved to Orlando thinking you would end up going to the theme parks nearby all of the time, and have been here for three years and haven't gone at all.

Jessica Dominguez, Oviedo

… you sell your neighbors one- and two-day passes to enter your backyard.

… your idea of mass transit is the Disney monorail.

Russ Stacey, Orlando

… you work at Disney for the benefits.

James Pitts Marsh, Orlando

… you've been to every theme park over a dozen times, and never once paid.

Justin Kirkwood, Altamonte Springs

… you have annual passes to Universal – just in case any out-of-state friends (i.e., high school acquaintances who still live in whatever landlocked state you moved to Florida from) decide to swing through Orlando (but the one friend that actually did look you up wanted to go to Disney).

Solomonson, Orlando

… you'd rather bite down on a steel file and have it yanked out of your mouth than step foot in a theme park.

Sam Randazzo, Orlando

… you've worked for a least ONE theme park since moving here and display some form of memorabilia in your apartment, and deny owning at least one Jimmy Buffett CD.

Sue Goed, St. Cloud


… U-turns in the middle of 436 no longer scare you.

Charlene Gary, Orlando

… you made a friend on I-4 at 5:30 p.m.

Dan Babroski, Oviedo

by Morgan Steele
… when you are "up to speed" on I-4 you're doing 10 miles per hour! Ha HA.

Steve Hewitt, Orlando

… you bitch about traffic while doing 5 mph on I-4 alone in your car, wonder why there are no parking spaces close to your job at the theme park, wonder why you never get holidays off and get pissed off when it rains during hurricane season. Let's all have a frickin' magical day!!

Martin Wallace, Orlando

… you've aged five years sitting in traffic on I-4!

Joe Nunes, Winter Garden

… you know the exact time you can get on I-4 and get as little traffic as possible.

Robb Reyes, Orlando

… you think of I-4 as a parking lot!

Valerie Simons, Debary

… you've learned not to even bother with I-4 anymore.

Diane DeWitt, Orlando

… turn signals are a foreign concept at 75 mph on I-4.

Jason Coon, Orlando

… you've ever stopped your car and blocked traffic to watch a shuttle launch.

Christopher Drager, Altamonte Springs

… you know to head eastbound when you want to go north.

Joel Strack, Orlando

… you ever had to explain to a police officer why your vehicle found its way into a bus lane.

Chickie Bonanno, Orlando

… you add an extra 30-60 minutes to your commute time for any meetings/appointments if you need to drive around the theme parks or use the I-4 anytime during the day.

David L. Lambert, Orlando

… you drive like an idiot!

Sid Swartz, Orlando

… you've spent half your life sitting in I-4 traffic.

Rob Dickson, Orlando

… you are prepared for traffic jams with … a book, snacks, DVD player and massaging car seats.

Nancy Denunzio, Altamonte Springs

… the highlight of your I-4 commute is holding your head out the window to let that sweet Merita Bread air blast down your nose-holes.

Sam Randazzo, Orlando

… you've driven around longer than the event you were planning to attend in order to find a "free" parking space only to wind up eventually giving in and paying for a parking lot which also cost more than the event you were intending to go to.

Sue Goed, St. Cloud


… you like really like 2 talk like a lot and like all u like really talk about is like Brittnay Federline Spears and like Club Paris and like the Millenia Mall and like yourself

… totally O-town!

… your emo ass considers youself a punk rocker and you don't own anything by THE CLASH

… you own a 60-year-old house with original water heater, windows, flooring, pipes, small bathrooms, old ass appliances and convert it into 3 apartments then charge $900.00 a month per apt. just because it's downtown; not only r u sooooo orlando yur also an asshole!!!

… your parents own a H-2 OR -3 OR -4 for rugged, rocky, swampy, dirt roads of O-town; while you choose to thug around town in a whoo-ride with rented 20 sum-odd inch rims, that when paid for cost more than the ride. So you can pump Mike Jones and mean mug urybody and claim how hardcore gangstuh and phoreal you aren't!

… you're a guy who spent more than 10 minutes getting ready for (besides a shit, shave and shower) that Sept. 10 show @ WILLS PUB featuring THE LEGENDARY JCs and you pull up in a : fast n furious, loud ass muffler havin, 2 low 2 go over a peanut: car. And your date is glowing orange from a fake tan, overdressed, in heels, Ashley Simpson wannabe actin retard with an IQ of 50 cents short of 49 pennies. Then complain and haggle over the balance of your bill so you can have $ 2 go to CAIRO afterwards and listen to the wannabe gangstuh top 40 rap crap and race some other idiot home while drinking a redbull so you can stay up and watch recorded episodes of "So you think you can dance"!! oh there's more

Sonny Dray, Orlando

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