'Waving your rights

U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., recently pooh-poohed reports of abuse at Guantanamo Bay, bringing meal plates to a televised press conference to show that prisoners enjoy dinnertime amenities like orange-glazed and lemon chicken (each served, he carefully pointed out, with two types of fruit).

Rep. Hunter's presentation was so mouthwatering that the Swanson company rushed to make the detainees' dining experience part of its own customers' on-the-go lifestyles. The result is the new Gitmo 4 Less line of TV dinners, now available in your grocer's freezer.

Salisbury Steak – This suppertime classic humiliates your hunger into submission by serving up a scrumptious Angus beef patty smothered in mushroom-and-onion gravy. On the side are mashed potatoes and a medley of green beans, carrots and mournful wailing. Each course retains its own delightful consistency, thanks to a reinforced tin that keeps the entree in intense isolation from the other dishes for 30 days … or more. And for dessert, help yourself to two types of fruit.

Grilled Turkey Medallions – Delicious turkey with a heaping helping of gravy gets an extra boost from exquisitely seasoned, French-cut green beans and corn bread stuffing. The dessert brownie qualifies as an endlessly renewable resource, if your definition of chocoholism is wide enough to include enforced wallowing in your own feces.

Shrimp in Angel Hair Pasta – Whether your dining area is ice cold or oppressively hot, you'll be amazed at how this seafood dish holds just the right temperature from the first bite to the last. Strip down naked and eat standing on top of a cardboard box to get the full effect. And how many types of fruit are waiting for you at meal's end? That's right, two!

Swedish Meatballs – A tasty treat from a foreign land you'll be able to visit someday, maybe, just as soon as we're done asking you a few more questions. Succulent meatballs are crowned in a hearty brown sauce that overflows onto a bed of egg noodles. Fully microwaveable, or just hold in your hands for 4-5 minutes while your testicles are attached to high-voltage wires.

Macaroni and Cheese with Broccoli – Time was, folks thought these two went together about as well as civil liberties and victory. That's all in the past, thanks to the smart, obeisant way the savory broccoli cooperates with the tender macaroni in its creamy Cheddar cheese sauce. Now that they've both decided to play ball, expect major advancements in the war on tummy rumbles.

Smart Choice Dinner a la Torment – Here's something for the light eater, be he on the Atkins Diet or merely suffering from severe abdominal trauma that makes swallowing difficult. The carton contains nothing but an empty tray that has been lightly dusted with residue from other Gitmo 4 Less meals and then washed clean, leaving behind a pleasant afteraroma of fish and chips, country-fried steak and what might be meatloaf. You'll go mad for it in no time!

Veal Parmigiana – Know what? Some people think veal are mistreated. Heh, heh. We just thought we'd remind you of that to give you a good laugh before we went on to sing the praises of this tender, golden-breaded sensation, which comes with green beans and pasta in a thick tomato sauce. Under our company's interpretation of the Geneva Conventions, the apple-crumb compote contains two types of fruit – apples and crumbs!

Thai Chicken and Rice Noodles – Roasted chicken tenderloins fight to maintain consciousness as they float in a tangy peanut sauce. They're kinda scrawny, but you can get some pretty good intelligence from them before they pass out.

Boneless Pork – When our leaders are done remaking the globe in a way that fulfills the true wishes of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, nobody but nobody will be able to refuse this gift of rib-shaped pork patties in barbecue sauce. Mashed potatoes and niblet corn will have you barking like a rabid attack dog for more.

Enchilada Fiesta – Cuba, Mexico … what's the difference to an empty belly? Simulate indefinite residence in a Spanish-speaking region by digging into two crispy enchiladas set off by wild rice. As an added touch, it's packaged with an 8x10 photo of J. Lo that you can hang around your neck in shame while you masturbate into the provided dessert cup. Then it's custard time!

Turkey Breast – Ever since our forefathers sat down on that first Thanksgiving to humbly and quietly plot the violent overthrow of their new neighbors, old Tom Turkey has been the foodstuff whose name equals freedom. Celebrate that proud tradition with this five-slice white-meat dinner, enhanced by the obligatory gravy, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. In a modern update of our ancestors' noble experiment in cultural outreach, passages from the Quran are printed on the disposable outer carton.

Four-Cheese Pizza – Perfect for munching in front of a good movie – Midnight Express, say, or Papillon – this snacker's delicacy has mozzarella, cheddar, Parmesan and ricotta cheeses atop a crispy crust. Mamma mia! Your sensory deprivation is at its end!

Lemon Chicken – Moist chicken breasts are splashed with a lemony glaze as yellow and sticky as the urine on a sacred text. Shackle your last vestiges of hunger to the floor with an accompaniment of steamed peas, mushrooms and rice pilaf. There's only one type of fruit, but what are you gonna do? Call a lawyer?

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