How to hit it without stepping in it


1. ... go cheesy. Extremely cheesy, like a photographic puzzle of yourselves at a picnic (

2. ... wear/take/have installed protection. Nothing says "obligatory holiday sex" like a November baby. Just another mouth to feed on Thanksgiving.

3. ... hire the Orlando Barbershop Chorus of Greater Orlando to perform a singing Valentine for your love. You'll need your throat later.

4. ... go to a gay bar if you're straight. Her eyes may wander, but they won't be going anywhere.

5. ... surprise him with a threesome. But only if he got you a photographic puzzle.

6. ... give her Stacy Schiff's biography of Cleopatra. Because it turns out, nobody's as hot as Elizabeth Taylor. Feel better, honey?

7. ... manscape. It's bigger than you might think.


1. ... eat a heavy meal before sex. Societal pressure to fuck weighs you down enough already. Don't add to it.

2. ... see Blue Valentine. She doesn't need tips on how to leave you.

3. ... "accidentally" slip it in the butt. If he or she miraculously does agree to it, or is gay, avoid heavy legumes and/or 
green vegetables. They don't make a Hallmark card for "Sorry I farted on your dick."

4. ... go to a gay bar if you're gay. The competition's too thick.

5. ... vajazzle. You never know when the glue is dry.

6. ... look at Internet photos of Kanye West's monster cock. It will shame/disgust you.

7. ... go anywhere near a naked sushi situation. There's nothing erotic about smelling 
like a wharf.


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