Savage Love

I generally don't agree with the advice you give, but I need help and I can't talk to my friends. About two months ago I broke off a relationship with a guy I had been seeing for about seven years. I am only 24 and I needed to explore other fish in the sea! I immediately hooked up with this Russian guy who I had been crushing on for some time. He spoke little English but treated me amazing. We slept together and he stared deeply into my eyes; I was totally head over heels. He seemed perfect, but I was distressed by how much time he spent messed up on cocaine, K and E.

At a Christmas party I tried to kiss him, but he told me he was too high. Later, we were supposed to meet up in the evening after not seeing each other for a week. When I phoned he told me that he was too stoned to leave his house. I dumped him over the phone. The next day he came over with a friend who could translate for him. He was clearly high. I told him if he didn't use drugs so much we could go out again. Two days later I went to his house and he tried to give me a Christmas present, but he said he didn't want to talk about us. I finally left without saying goodbye.

The dilemma is that I can't stop thinking about him. I have texted him many times but he hasn't responded. I want to know if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me at all and was waiting for me to leave him, or if he still likes me and for some reason he's not responding. I need closure. Do you know what's going on in his head?

Hurt Heart

For future reference, HH, the next time you want an advice columnist's full attention — when you want him to, say, stop beating off about a three-way with Saturday Night Live's Andy Samberg and Daniel V. from Project Runway and focus instead like a laser beam on your problems — you might not want to open your letter with an insult such as, "I generally don't agree with the advice you give but I need help." If you were being assaulted would you call 911 and scream, "Fuck the pigs!"?

On to my shitty-ass advice: I don't know what's going on in his head — and, judging from his drug use, he may not know either. But clearly he enjoys drugs a whole hell of a lot more than he enjoys you. (Considering your people skills, who could blame him?) As to whether or not he ever wanted to be in a relationship with you at all or was waiting for you to leave him or still likes you, blah blah blah, only he knows the answers to those questions and it looks like he's not telling. Does that deny you closure? No, HH, it doesn't. He's giving it to you — hell, he's fucking slamming you closed.

Then why, if he doesn't really care about you, was the sex great? Sometimes we click physically and chemically with someone who's just not right for us — or not all there — and the result can be mind-blowing sex and nothing more. Despite what Pope Benedict would have us believe, sex without love can be amazing. Unfortunately, many sexually inexperienced people erroneously believe that intensely connected sex must be evidence of a deeper connection. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. (And sometimes people stare deeply into our eyes because they're having a hard time focusing.)

I'll conclude my shitty advice with this observation: You broke up with your last boyfriend after seven years because you wanted to fillet some of the other fishes in the sea. So why are you trying to settle down with the very first fish you fucked?

Is there established etiquette for showing appreciation to a person for being a good masturbatory fantasy?

Dreamy Girl

A polite person never says anything to the subjects of their masturbatory fantasies of the roles they play in her inner erotic life. Why? Well, take Andy Samberg for example. If I ever met him, I would opt to discuss comedy or fashion or politics with him, omitting any references to the dozen or more times I've pictured him sitting on Daniel V.'s face. That information might make Andy uncomfortable, and then what hope would I have of ever getting into his pants?

Is there anything you can do? Yes, there is: The tactful way to show your appreciation to someone you've masturbated about is by making an anonymous donation to a worthy charity in his or her name. (I made a large donation to the American Society for the Preservation of Boyish, Shaggy-Haired Men in the names of Andy Samberg and Daniel V.)

There probably aren't many people who are loyal readers of both Savage Love and The Economist, but I am one. In the Jan. 5 issue of The Economist there is a subtle reference to santorum in the Savage Love sense.

"The fall of Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania's junior senator, is even more eagerly anticipated by the American left. … James Dobson, the head of Focus on the Family, an evangelical group, praises his ‘integrity, vision and unwavering commitment to the principles and beliefs upon which the United States was founded.' Meanwhile, gay activists use his name to denote something indescribable in a family newspaper."

Brad B.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in about the reference to santorum in The Economist. With any luck Sen. Santorum, that conservative fucktard, will soon be out of office and remembered only for his singular contribution to the sexual lexicon. One quibble with The Economist, however: It's not just gay activists who are using Santorum's name to denote something indescribable in a family newspaper. (And this ain't no family newspaper: Santorum is that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.) Plenty of straights have anal sex and, therefore, occasion to use the term.

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