;I'm a divorced man and have been dating a married woman in an open/poly relationship for six months. Her husband has been occupied with his new girlfriend. She's feeling abandoned by her husband, and I'm picking up that slack. While I find her general GGG-ness incredibly refreshing, the truth is that I find her boring. I've made it clear that she could never be my primary partner. She assures me that she is fine with that, so long as I don't dump her for a monogamous primary partner. If this were a monogamous relationship, I would break up with her so that I could look elsewhere. Instead, I can keep this piece of cake and look for another slice, too. By what do I measure the success of our relationship?

;;Too Many Slices Of Cake

;;I slipped your letter to my buddy Matisse, a professional dom who happens to be the only person I know in a successful long-term polyamorous relationship. (Matisse blogs at


;"The success of a relationship is measured by whether or not it makes the people in it happy," Matisse says. "By that yardstick, Cake Boy, you're coming up zero. You're getting nookie off a woman you find boring while you recover from your divorce and look for better options. I don't call this polyamory, I call this opportunism."


;Matisse has called you on your bullshit, and I'd like to call Poly Husband on his. Poly relationships simply don't work/aren't ethical if a primary partner feels abandoned. Healthy poly relationships require clear primary/secondary roles, with primary partners always coming first (so to speak), and any secondary attachments or partners coming in somewhere from a close to a distant second. Poly Husband's failure to make sure his wife feels like she comes first (primary does mean "ranked as most important") leads me to question not just his ability to be poly but his motives as well. As for your motives …


;"You're painting it with a thin veneer of compassion, but come on, guy," Matisse says. "If you want to be a pal to a woman whose husband is temporarily insane with New Relationship Energy, and who is thus feeling abandoned — take her to the movies, don't take her to bed. Her husband may be sprung on someone else at the moment, but at least he's not dumping her for the new shiny thing, whereas you will."


;Matisse's bottom line?


;"If you don't love her and you're not going to, then zip up your pants and go home."


;;My boyfriend refuses to give up coke for reasons I can't explain. I don't make a stink if he smokes a reefer, I don't make a stink about the tranny sex he's had in the past or the his-and-her butt plugs he bought us in month two. He's well-read, witty, and sweet — but I'm seriously anti-drug for my own reasons and he knows it. In spite of all his skeletons, I love him. But this coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man that can't commit to not doing coke. I need a man's swift and brutal opinion: Is this butt-plugging asshole trying to sabotage our relationship by holding on to some libertarian conviction that was started in ancient Rome?

;;Coke-Hating Sister

;;I'm not sure how the Romans factor into this, but here's the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging, coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal breaker for you or it isn't. If it is, then don't date him. But if this butt-plugging asshole merits an exception — if the lift tickets are balanced out by well-read, witty, and sweet — then date him, girl, and stop bitching about it.

;;You suggested that Doing My Best, the good-looking Ivy Leaguer who can't land a girl, find a gay friend. Homos, you implied, make the best wingmen, directing women your way in bars and forcing you to talk to them. I disagree. My brother and I have had separate bad experiences with gay male friends. Both of us are straight, easygoing and have no problems with queers. We've found that it's impossible to have a gay friend of the same sex — especially if alcohol is involved. Eventually a pass is made and the friendship ends.

;;Burned Straight Boy

;;Feigning friendship to get into someone's pants? Surely no straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman — straight, queer, single or married — has ever had the moves put on her by a straight male friend! Surely!

Not, as the kids once said.


;I'm sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag friends, BSB, but it happens. And let's make an effort to keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole move that's been used and abused by gay men, straight men, and the odd woman. But not all gay men hit on their straight male friends. Together gay men don't want to be friends with men they find attractive for the same reason together straight men don't want to be friends with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?


;So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this: If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian dudes, and you're a muscular Asian dude, he's going to hit on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy muscle daddies, and you're a skinny hairless rocker, your gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.

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