;I regard this column, gentle readers, as a sacred calling, and I would never intentionally do anything that would cause you to question my judgment. Sound judgment, after all, is the professional advice columnist's most precious commodity.


;Nevertheless, I have — once again — auctioned off the right to give advice in this space. Auctioning off the column is a risky business, because what if the winning bidders are assholes? What if they spew bullshit? What if they cruelly abuse readers seeking my counsel?


;What if they're better at all of that than I am?


;Being an asshole, spewing bullshit and cruelly abusing readers is my goddamn job. And it's not in my best interest to create the impression that just anyone can do this shit.


;Meet the winning bidders: Steve Lippman and his lovely wife, Marla Russo. For the sake of the folks whose letters they're responding to, I'm hoping Steve and Marla are good at this. But for the sake of my own job security, I'm hoping Steve and Marla totally suck.


;;I hope you post this note as a warning. I recommend that everybody stay away from the personals on Craigslist. When I started looking, I was fascinated (there are some freaks out there). After I exhausted the pages for cities in the U.S., I started looking at ads posted in other countries. That's when I noticed that the same hot babe in Finland posted the same picture in six different U.S. states and four different countries, and she wasn't the only one posting the same ad in many different places. Your readers should know that hot anonymous sex is unlikely to occur and focus their efforts elsewhere.

;;Don't Be Fooled

;;STEVE: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. On the Internet, that applies to offers for creams to help men "grow extra inches," chain e-mails claiming that if you forward them, you'll get cash from Bill Gates and Craigslist ads for no-strings-attached sex posted by women with pictures that look remarkably similar to porn stars.


;But there are real women on Craigslist. Five years ago I met my own "too good to be true" wife by answering her Craigslist ad (which I want my in-laws to know was NOT a posting for NSA sex).


;MARLA: SA sex is fun, too.

;;DAN: OK, that wasn't too bad — but Steve and Marla weren't nearly abusive enough to DBF, who comes across like a total douche. A true advice professional would call attention to DBF's total douchebaggery. Grade: B-

;;I'm sure you've answered a question like this before or have refused to answer on principle, but … where can you find down-to-earth gay men? I'm trying to avoid the online-dating thing, but trying to meet guys in a large room with a remix of a remix bouncing in the background isn't working either.

;;Little Or No Effort

;;STEVE: In less than five minutes of searching, I found the Steel City Skiers, a group for gay skiers and snowboarders in Pittsburgh; Gapers Block, a Chicago book club for gays and lesbians who read books about the Windy City or by authors from that area; and Bottom Dwellers, a gay-and-lesbian scuba-diving club in Seattle. Point is, even if you don't like online personals, with little or no effort you are only a few clicks away from finding a group of gay men who live near you and like whatever scene you do.

;;DAN: Steve really pounds his point home — and even works LONE's sign-off into his response. B+

;;I'm hoping you can give me some advice. I'm a happily married 27-year-old woman, but I've never had an orgasm. I had several relationships before my husband and none of those men were able to get me to orgasm. I've tried to masturbate several times, but am not able to reach orgasm. Are some women physically incapable? This is upsetting my husband. He feels like he's failing.

;;Not Coming Around

;;MARLA: It's a commonly cited statistic that 70 percent of women don't orgasm from intercourse alone, so one question is whether your husband and previous partners have provided you with enough clitoral stimulation with their hands, mouths, toys, etc. You haven't given yourself much clitoral stimulation either, if you've only masturbated a few times.

;;Putting pressure on yourself with expectations from you or your husband isn't going to help the situation any. But putting pressure on yourself with a Hitachi Magic Wand may help a whole lot! There are great options available online at and Take some time to experiment on your own with what feels good. If that works for you, you can incorporate it into sex with your husband.


;;STEVE: If you still can't orgasm, talk to your doctor. There are a few hormone disorders, medications you may be on or other medical conditions that can prevent orgasm. Some might say to start with this step, but quality time with a new vibrator is more fun than talking to your doctor about this issue. Plus, you can get a vibrator delivered to your door faster than you can get an appointment with most HMO doctors.

;;DAN: Marla and Steve's joint response to NCA was exhaustive, helpful and informative. Hell, I learned a thing or two. A+

;;But their response lacked the bile, invective, profanity, tangents and poop jokes that are the hallmark of a true advice professional at work. My job is saved!

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