I’ve been happily married for eight years. But I have a serious problem: I’m addicted to pornography. I keep a stash of porn in a drawer at work. Three times a week, my lunch hour is spent jerking off in the handicapped stall of a public restroom. And that’s only the beginning.

I have a fetish for shit. An ideal experience for me is to save up my bowel movement until my lunch hour, go to my favorite restroom and time it just right so that I empty my bowels right before I ejaculate. An extra bonus is if someone arrives at one of the other stalls and takes a shit. The sound and smell of it excites me even more (I am definitely not gay). And once the person leaves, I finish with a head-shattering orgasm.

After a really good one, I sometimes smear my shit on the walls of the stall. I feel very disgusted afterward. I’m not hurting anyone, but this seems wrong. Should I talk to someone?

Addicted In Los Angeles

Yeah, you should definitely talk to someone: the janitors who have to clean up after you. You owe them an apology and tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of restitution. Eesh.

I’m trying to decide what’s more hilarious about your letter – that you think a “porn addiction” is your problem or that you felt obligated to include “definitely not gay” in a parenthetical. Uh, AILA? There are lots of straight guys out there with porn stashes and thrice-weekly-or-more masturbation routines who somehow resist the urge to smear shit all over bathroom stalls. But, hey, on behalf of gay men everywhere I want to thank you for identifying as straight. And we encourage you to be particularly insistent on that point when you finally get arrested. We don’t need any more toilet-related bad press just now, thanks.

Please tell all the “better than everyone else” Bible-thumpers out there that I’m not a perv. I am an LG (a person who enjoys age-regress play), and a “friend” verbally bashed me after finding a picture of me in my LG persona on a website. He called me a perverted faggot and a child molester.

First, like most cross-dressers, I’m straight. Second, I’ve been happily married for 10 years to a loving and understanding woman. Third, I’ve never been molested and I don’t have mommy or daddy issues. I’m more sane than most! The comment came from a man who has been divorced four times. He is also a serial adulterer who caught at least one STI from a prostitute!

Someone’s Little Girl

I’m happy to tell all the “better than you” Bible-thumpers out there that you’re not a perv, but it’s not going to do any good. Your friend, like a lot of Bible-thumpers, needs to feel morally superior to someone. Looking down his nose at you in your little-girl dresses and me in my fag relationship allows him to feel morally superior at absolutely no cost to himself. He doesn’t have to refrain from fucking hookers or cheating on his parade of spouses to get right with his make-believe God. He need only refrain from doing things he has no desire to do – sucking dick, dancing around in dresses – in order to go to his wholly imaginary God’s entirely fictitious heaven.

So who cares if he thinks you’re a perv? You are a bit of a perv. So am I. And we’re happily married pervs and he’s a miserable “normal man” with multiple alimony payments to make and kids who despise him and, without a doubt, one or two sexual urges that he’s too terrified to act on. We’ve got the much better deal, SLG, even if we have to put up with being called “perv” by scum every now and then.

I have been with my girlfriend for over three years. Our relationship has come to the point where we should either get married or go our separate ways. She is a great girl: smart, nice, trustworthy. We have a lot of fun together. There’s just one problem: She hates sex. In her opinion, “sex isn’t supposed to be fun.” She thinks our sex life is fine. Every time we talk about marriage, all I can think about is a lifetime of bad sex!

Not Totally Screwed

Don’t marry this woman, NTS. Not unless you want to be sending me a letter like the next one in two short years.

My wife of two years has no interest in sex. My “love life” consists of my right hand and Internet porn. I’ve tried giving her time without bringing it up, bringing it up, setting the mood with candles, doing all the housework, cuddling – everything. But our sex life is dead like Dillinger. I don’t want to DTMFA because we have a kid. But I can’t stay in this situation forever. Is there some age at which kids are best able to handle a divorce?

Think About The Child

The literature is all over the place on the least worst time in a child’s life for his parents to divorce. If you’re sure the sex life is not just really dead, but really most sincerely dead – if it’s not hormones or depression or stress – divorce now and get it over with.

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