I am happily married to a girl in her mid-20s. She recently brought home a Shetland sheepdog that she excitedly explained she had saved from the local pound. Three weeks later, I was in our neighborhood on business and decided to stop by the apartment to save the money I would otherwise spend on lunch. We have a rear door that opens into the living room and I couldn’t believe the scene I discovered upon entering: My wife, nude, spread-eagled on the couch, her Shetland sheepdog lapping eagerly at her pussy, ecstatic moans escaping from her throat! She ran to the bathroom as I stood there stunned. But the worst was when I noticed the open jar of Nutella sitting on the coffee table, a faint odor of hazelnut and chocolate in the air. We have never spoken about what happened. Are there health concerns she should be aware of?

A Dog At Most

Now this is a fake letter.

About half of the fakes I get follow a basic script: Man walks in, discovers wife/girlfriend/sister/mother getting it on with a dog. Usually the woman has peanut butter smeared all over her crotch, so we’ll give ADAM a tenth of a point for creativity.

What if ADAM’s letter didn’t include that tired old story about a dog eating pussy – would we still be able to tell that it’s a fake? You bet.

First, there’s the piling on of unnecessary details in an effort to make the letter seem more plausible. The wife didn’t just explain, she “excitedly explained”; she got the dog from the “local pound,” as opposed to a pound in Singapore or Sweden. There’s the needlessly elaborate explanation about how he came to walk in on the wife: ADAM was in the neighborhood on business, came in through the back door (which opens on the living room?), all because he wanted to save a few bucks on lunch.

This letter, like most of the fakes I get, is really about the sexual degradation of women as a group. ADAM has issues, as they say, so he ran a fictional woman through a degrading sexual scenario in a letter to me. He hoped that I would run his letter in my column and in his mind this would somehow avenge the slights he’s suffered at the hands of all the women who have ever rejected him.

Kind of pathetic when you think about it, huh?

I work with a hot girl at a restaorant `sic` that likes to get Tahesian `sic` Face Masks. It’s when someone unloads their feecis `sic` on the other person’s face. She started out with guys her age, but turned to older men because their shit is thicker. Will her fetish cause her problems down the road?

Disturbed Coworker

Another hot chick doing something disgusting – although as penned by this subliterate dickweed, it’s technically the restaurant that’s into Tahitian Face Masks, not the girl. Once again, typical adolescent male fear of female sexuality curdled by resentment. (What do you think the odds are that the author of this letter was dumped for an older man?) Note that both ADAM and DC, like many fakers, don’t write about something they’re doing, but about something someone else is doing. And both wind their letters up with kindhearted expressions of concern (“Are there health concerns…” “Will her fetish cause her problems…”), another dead giveaway.

I’m a 22-year-old straight male. A few weeks ago, I went to a party by myself. It was hot, so most of the guys took off their shirts. A couple hours into the party, this really intimidating dude with huge muscles took me to an empty room.

So this guy tells me he is gay and wants to have sex with me. I said no way, I’m straight, and I don’t think you want my huge cock up your ass! He asked to see it. Because he was standing in front of the door not intending to release me, I dropped my pants and let him look. His mouth dropped open. He decided he didn’t want it up his ass, but he wouldn’t let me go until I let him put his dick up mine. Not wanting to fight, I had to agree. It hurt at first, but soon it started to feel SO good and I stopped trying to resist. Then I let loose with this huge, explosive orgasm.

Now I have a problem: I’m straight, I don’t want to give up my awesome girlfriend, but that was the best damn fuck I’ve ever had. What do I do?

Fourteen Incher Needs Advice

So this “straight” letter-writer “stopped trying to resist” once that big, muscle-bound guy put his dick up his ass. Did anyone detect any resistance on FINA’s part prior to penetration? I didn’t.

Sigh. Another common theme in fake letters: the “totally” straight guy who never even considered the possibility that he might be gay – not even once, dude! – until this gay guy came along and fucked him – so totally against his will, dude! – and treated him to an orgasm so explosive it blasted his heterosexuality away.

Fear, fear, fear – that’s what the fakes are all about, SSLG. Fear of women, fear of sex, fear of homos.

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