Savage Love

My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He's 31; I'm 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship; then I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Here's our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he's practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is shocking.

Early on, it didn't bother me much — infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships — but now that we're married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, my "amazing ass" gets hit on all the time and I'm an open-minded, porn-loving girl — but my husband isn't interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I'm at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my "amazing ass." He's admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to fuck a minor-league soccer team.

Sexless And Desperate

Your husband — who is beating off three times a week in front of the computer — is interested in sex, SAD. He's just not interested in sex with you … or anyone else he's ever been with. But ultimately, the issue here isn't sex. It's about neglect and selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we're signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking? Don't marry.) Since he's unlikely to change his ways — his stunted, sexually selfish ways — you have just two options: an open relationship or a new relationship.

Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have a child, I'd encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship it is — and he shouldn't have a problem with that. If sex doesn't matter to him, if he's indifferent to sex and/or you, then it shouldn't matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams. So long as you're a good and loving partner and co-parent, and so long as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe, sane and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.

And who knows? Maybe knowing that you're having sex with other dudes — or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes — will cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his fist.

I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was hesitant — and I've got two follow-up questions for you.

My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ's wife, was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I masturbate into a zip-lock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie and she feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick it up as it melts — pre-climax, of course. Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even eat it "fresh" after I've come in her.

Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm — stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household freezer — impregnate my wife? If so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in cooking — are you aware of any legit recipes that use human semen?

Coming Around To Cream Pies

Frozen spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff. So I can't imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little Tantric woo-woo. "Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make yourself come without ejaculating; or you can ejaculate a little and still be hard," writes Mr. F. "I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm' where I just slightly come on my girlfriend's tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She loves it."

As for your questions …

"Sperm frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for insemination," says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility consultant. "The issue isn't genetic damage (there probably wouldn't be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures."

And while I've never cooked with sperm — if it's not in Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at all — there is a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

[email protected]
Scroll to read more Savage Love articles
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state.
Help us keep this coverage going with a one-time donation or an ongoing membership pledge.


Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.