Savage Love

I'm a straight male college student in a relationship, which had been going great. The only incongruity was that, for a religious reason, I don't want to have penetrative vaginal sex before marriage. I'm up for anything else—I would eat her out, piss on her, whatever else—but not vaginal sex. My girlfriend started bringing up how she wanted to have "actual" sex. I told her, "I love you, and if you need to fuck other guys, go for it." To my relief, she was completely repulsed and offended by the suggestion.

A week later, she confessed that she had gone ahead and slept with someone. I had no idea I would be this hurt. I feel like I can't trust her now, and I can't bring myself to sleep in her bed anymore. I feel like a hypocrite since I brought up the idea of her sleeping with someone else in the first place. But I was unprepared for the reality since she berated me for making the proposal at all. Still, I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on here; I told her to do this. She regrets the hookup. I don't know if I'm even asking for advice. I just wonder if I'm acting childishly.

Wishing Ancillary Fucking Felt Less Emotionally Ruinous

Your dilemma is interesting, WAFFLER, but you know what I'm more interested in? I'd like to know which religion we're talking about here. I'd really like to know which particular faith tradition frowns on vaginal intercourse before marriage but smiles on oral and piss scenes and OKs women having vaginal intercourse before marriage but only with men they don't intend to marry. That sounds like a church I'd like to visit.

Doing everything-but-vaginal for religious reasons is deeply silly. If you're going to be in a sexual relationship, be in a sexual relationship. I promise you that any God who frowns on vaginal-before-marriage also frowns on piss-play-before-marriage and eating-pussy-before-marriage.

As for your dilemma, either you need to find a girlfriend who wants what you want or you need to stop playing bullshit games and start fucking the girl you've got.

I have recently read all the archived Savage Love columns I could find on the Internet, which leads me to three questions that popped into my head while passing the time:

1) Your advice has always been sassy and matter-of-fact, but it seems to me that it's becoming less acidic as time passes. How has your attitude toward the sex-advice business changed over the years? How have your own views shifted?

2) Why don't women brag about their clit size?

3) Are you still into Ashton Kutcher or do you have a new fantasy flame?

Your Devoted Reader

1) I get a lot of mail from people telling me I've changed. Half write to tell me that I've become an insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick, and half tell me I've gone soft, I'm too nice, I've lost my edge, etc. While my views haven't shifted much over the years, YDR, I have more sympathy for straight boys now than I did when I started out.

2) Clits aren't inserted into anything, so a big clit doesn't earn a woman any bragging rights. And a small clit, harder to locate and harder to stimulate, is nothing to brag about either. And while the clit is central to a woman's sexual pleasure, it's not the showiest part of a woman's package. That would be the labia. And it's not the part a man is most interested in. That would be the vagina. So while the clit is hugely important to her, it's not necessarily all that important to him. So … not much point in screaming and yelling about it, huh?

3) I still admire Ashton Kutcher's work ethic, but my ccurrent celebrity crush is Bill Hader as Stefon on SNL's "Weekend Update."

I have recently started dating a sexually adventurous man. He is the first person to successfully fist me, and it's fantastic. When I orgasm, I squirt. Lots. Afterward, the sheets are soaked and I'm in a puddle. We've put towels down, but the sheer volume of liquid soaks through them.

I don't really want to sleep on a plastic-wrapped mattress and change my sheets every time we have sex. Does anything exist that's super-absorbent that I could put down during sex, or even something that might go under the sheets to at least protect the bed?

Wasting Endless Towels

You can have sex elsewhere, WET, and you can acquire just-for-fucking furniture/furnishings without going to hell with the vaginal-before-marriage crowd. Instead of attempting to fist-and-squirt-proof your bed, go to a sporting-goods store and pick up a large, folding wrestling mat. Store it under the bed, and when your sexy time involves fisting — and hopefully you're not fisting every time you have sex — pull the mat out, throw some towels down, and fist and squirt to your heart's content. Then you'll be able to crawl back into your warm, dry, comfortable bed.

HEY, EVERYBODY: Jason Robinson is — was — the football coach at Mandarin High School in Duval County, Florida. He was fired last month for sending "adult-oriented pictures" to a student. He didn't send the pictures to one of his students, but to a 20-year-old college student who just so happens to be Robinson's girlfriend. The mother of Robinson's girlfriend found the pictures and forwarded them to the principal of the school where Robinson worked.

"We hold our teachers to a higher standard," principal Donna Richardson told reporters. "They're teaching our students how to become good characters."

This is sex-negative bullshit. Robinson is a consenting adult; Robinson's girlfriend is a consenting adult. What consenting adults do on their own time is no one's business but their own.

People shouldn't lose their jobs after their privacy has been invaded, and people shouldn't be punished for engaging in private, consensual sex acts. Send an e-mail to Donna Richardson at [email protected] and let her know that she is in the wrong. And let others know to let her know.

[email protected]


Since 1990, Orlando Weekly has served as the free, independent voice of Orlando, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an Orlando Weekly Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today because you love us, too.

Scroll to read more Savage Love articles

Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.