Relax, it’s only feces

Police Beat

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Two gag-worthy crimes went down in Orlando on Monday, and both required a chemical solution.

Just past noon, Rogleio Pena Garcia was about to make some repairs to his car outside his residence in West Orlando, when 18-year-old Garrett Laon Mays approached and asked for some money. Pena Garcia said he had none and walked inside, where from a window he observed Mays rummaging through his unlocked Honda Civic.

Pena Garcia called police and was still on the phone when he went outside to confront the teenage thief. Mays, apparently enraged that someone would call the cops on him for a broad-daylight burglary, screamed, “You’re on the phone with 911!” and chased Pena Garcia back inside. When police came on the scene, Mays was still kicking the front door.

Police say that Mays was generally uncooperative, and that he was “spitting and making faces.”

He covered the inside windows of two different squad cars with saliva, so officers removed him from the vehicles and hog-tied him with a rip hobble.

At one point, in a fit of rolling around and cursing, Mays looked at one of the arresting officers and started gathering phlegm in his throat for a tell-tale loogie, which he hocked right on target. The officer retaliated with a stream of police-issue pepper spray, which had the “desired effect.”

“Mays stopped attempting to spit at officers and no longer acted bizarre,” police said.

A couple of hours earlier, officers responded to a report of breaking and entering at Relax Grill at Lake Eola.

There they found employee Daniel Krug, who informed officers of a nauseating revelation: At some point during the night, someone hopped the fence and smeared shit all over the doorknobs to both the clock-in room and the entrance to the bar area. Feces was also found on a white T-shirt at the bar (likely a crude stand-in for toilet paper).

Unfortunately, burning the bar down is not a legal means of sanitation, and besides, the police report notes that Krug wiped up the affected areas with bleach. But most people will agree with the sobering adage that there is some shit that just won’t wash out.

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