"Any member of the [Senate Judiciary] committee can ask whatever they want, no matter how stupid. But I don't think [Supreme Court] nominees have to answer certain questions. They don't have to answer questions about how they are going to vote in the future. They don't have to answer stupid questions."
— Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah
"Well … damn."
— Steve Schneider
BRILLIANT QUESTIONS FOR SUPREME COURT NOMINEE
• After eight months of continued viability, which has the greater right to survive: an unborn fetus or Nanny 911?
• Does the right to privacy extend to glory holes?
• Of all the major world religions, which one do you think just has it all wrong?
• My daughter just turned 15. Is she still too young to car-date?
• Attorney General Gonzales, what assurance can you offer this tribunal that your opinions on the subject of immigration reform are yours and yours alone, and don't reflect the undue influence of your cousin Speedy?
• Screw Roe v. Wade. What are you going to do about this nation's outrageous dry-cleaning bills?
• Who do you like this year in the National League East?
• Your predecessors on the court recently voted that local governments can seize private property to facilitate community development. Can they seize my neighbor's kids to facilitate a good night's sleep?
• Does anybody really know what time it is?
• If two law-abiding homosexuals who are already in a committed, loving relationship want to get married, what right do our courts have to stand in their way? Other than it's disgusting, I mean.
• How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? And don't give me any of that "Go ask Mr. Owl" crap.
• Do these chinos make me look fat?
• Would you call yourself a strict constructionist, an activist judge or a people-pleaser?
• Does the right to die apply to all Americans, or just Hilary Swank?
• Hey, are those things real?
• If a teenager has to inform her parents that she wants to have an abortion, shouldn't she also be allowed to taunt her mother that the guy was hung like a musk ox? Y'know, just to make things even?
• When deciding cases that involve the indefinite detention of political prisoners, should the courts side with the party who happens to be the smoothest ballroom dancer?
• I know you are, but what am I?
• Which state governors should be allowed to keep their constituents alive at all costs, and which ones don't have daughters with blow problems?
• Close your eyes. Now guess what I'm doing with my Adam's apple.
• Out of all the New Kids, who had the best ass? Support your answer.
• Was that whole Brown v. Board of Education thing really such a big deal, or is that only what the coloreds want us to think?
• Will a pubic hair found on a can of Coke Zero make you less sick than one found on a can of Classic Coke?
• How are those onion straws workin' out for ya?
• How far is the federal government allowed to get up a contractor's ass if he agrees to totally remodel your home, then stops work halfway through and demands extra payment to finish the job, leaving your begonias trampled, your wall sockets exposed and sawdust all over the goddamn floor where ceramic tile should be? I'm just speaking generally here, of course.
• I think Anita Hill is one hot little minx. You?
• Why won't that friggin' caged bird stop singing?
• If the Ten Commandments can be displayed in public schools, should the Little Red Book be handed out in parochial schools? No, really, hear me out.
• Boxers, briefs or Santorum?
• If you have ever practiced law under the name Slim Shady, will you please stand up?
• Jeepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers!!??
• I'm in a bit of a pickle with the IRS. If I vote to confirm, can you help a brother out? Criss-cross!
• Let's go nuts for a minute and say the next president ends up being a Democrat. What do you think your chances are of contracting inoperable colon cancer between Jan. 20, 2009 and Jan. 19, 2013? Three-to-one? Even money? Hey, I'm just looking for a shaft of sunlight here.
• And you are … ?
