Police Beat

April 7, 8:23 p.m.: Etiquette tip: When offered crack cocaine while having sex with a prostitute and her pimp, it's just rude to say no.

Officer Keller was dispatched to the 7-Eleven on the 1500 block of West Smith Street in reference to a robbery. He met with the 28-year-old victim who "advised he picked up a white female prostitute, with red hair, earlier in the day by the Coalition `for the Homeless`, and paid her to have sex. `The victim` advised later that day, he was outside the Coalition and an unknown black male drove up to him in a dark-colored sports utility vehicle. `The victim` said the above female prostitute was in the passenger seat of the SUV and asked `the victim` if he was ‘ready for round 2.'"

Why, yes he was. So the victim got into the SUV. The trio stopped for some condoms, then went to a wooded area behind the LYNX bus station on the 2100 block of West Princeton. All three proceeded to get naked for a threesome. The victim tells police he witnessed the pimp and hooker partaking in a little pregame crack smoking, but said he didn't join in. And that's when things started going bad.

"`The victim` advised the black male told him to have sex with the female prostitute, but `he` refused … . The black male then picked up a tire iron, threatened him and told him to leave. … He left, leaving all of his clothes and belongings behind." That included the victim's wallet, which contained his identification and $50.

Our victim went streaking to the bus station where someone was kind enough to loan the naked dude some sweatpants. Then he called the police, but when they arrived he "refused to write a statement, stating, ‘It won't do any good anyways.'"

Then why call them to begin with?

April 9, 7:45 p.m.: It appears that in the fine city of Orlando you can pay for sex and not get in trouble, but if you practice "safe sex" by masturbating on your neighbors' porch, well, that's another story, bucko.

Officer McClelland responded to an unspecified block of Hargill Drive in reference to a report of exposure of sexual organs — attached to a person, have no fear.

"Upon arrival I met with victim No. 1 `info omitted` who told me he saw his neighbor walk up … knock on the door, look into the window, turn around, pull out his penis and begin masturbating on the covered porch while looking in the direction of his house." Odd enough, but it gets creepier.

"`Victim No. 2` told me she observed her neighbor on the porch of the house across the street masturbating and looking at her while she was in her kitchen preparing dinner. `Victim No. 1` went across the street and told defendant to get off the porch. … Defendant then left the area in a blue-colored Honda minivan. I met with the victim … who told me he did not give defendant or anybody permission to enter his dwelling, look into his windows, masturbate or commit any other offense at his dwelling." Well, that's a relief.

"Upon leaving the area I observed a blue-colored Honda minivan driving directly toward me and I identified the driver. … I conducted a traffic stop on the vehicle and the driver identified himself to me as defendant. `Victims No. 1 and 2` came and positively identified defendant, in person, as the man they saw masturbating on the porch."

Officer McClelland informed the perp that he was under arrest for burglary and exposing himself. The perp's reaction? "Defendant initially denied the allegation, but later voluntarily admitted to committing the act and spontaneously uttered ‘I only did it 'cause my wife doesn't give me none, she does not take care of me."

There you have it, ladies; take care of your man or you might find him on the neighbor's porch taking care of himself.

April 10, 1:25 a.m.: In the 400 block of Ferguson Drive, sometime after 1 a.m., our 42-year-old witness heard a gunshot and called 911. According to Officer Quinones' report, "`The witness`, who was working a security job across the street … heard a single gun shot. Immediately `the witness` looked toward the area of the shooting and observed a gray Chevrolet Caprice drive southbound on Ferguson Drive from the said location. Shortly thereafter … `he` observed the guard dog lying on the ground bleeding inside of the compound."

The now-deceased German shepherd, "Snoopy," was leased to T and T Pipeline for security purposes. The 48-year-old victim and dog owner told police the dog was worth about $5,000, and was not insured. RIP, Snoopy.

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