July 7, 8:45 A.M.: Our 26-year-old victim finally got her landlord to come out and fix her air conditioning; little did she know what turmoil that would bring.

In the 1100 block of Amelia Street, the victim's landlord opened her garage door to grant easier access to the tools in his truck. About a half-hour into the job, the landlord noticed the victim's bike was missing from the garage. It appears some ballsy perp(s) sneaked into the open garage and plucked a royal-blue beach cruiser "with factory-installed Pabst Blue Ribbon decals on the frame," reports state. Bastard(s). The victim was distraught and proclaimed to officer Ostrom she will "prosecute and testify" if police find the PBR cruiser pilferer. Police executed due diligence to no avail: "A local lookout was broadcast and an area check was completed with negative results." Estimated value of the stolen bicycle: $200.

Will the victim get a discount on her rent from the landlord for granting access to the bike-jacking bandit(s)? Police reports are unclear, but it's doubtful.

July 8, 8:01 P.M.: Bikes are popular items this week. Officer Doan responded to the 1200 block of Greenwood Street in reference to a residential burglary. The 23-year-old victim told the officer he heard his screened porch door open and then waited for the knock on the front door that usually follows. When the knock didn't come, he peeked out his window to find a "Hispanic male crouched down by the window," reports state. The victim yelled at the suspect. The suspect was startled and grabbed the victim's red mountain bike to escape. The suspected pedaled down Mills Avenue with our victim in hot pursuit. The suspect is described as 20 to 26 years old, approximately 6 feet tall, 150 pounds, with curly black hair. He was last seen wearing a gray shirt and blue shorts. When the victim returned to the window, he found that it was opened about an inch; the window was closed before the perp's arrival. Doan's report reflects that "an area check for the suspect by assisting units met with negative results."

July 8, 8:18 P.M.: Everything is of value on the streets of Orlando. Officer Candelaria was dispatched to the 5700 block of Stonewall Jackson Boulevard in reference to a robbery and met with the 21-year-old victim, who was bleeding and "appeared to be intoxicated." The victim relayed to the officer in Spanish that he had just been jacked. He told police two Hispanic males approached him. The first suspect — described as approximately 5 feet, 8 inches tall with shoulder-length dreads — wore a black jacket, black pants and a black tie. Awfully formal attire for a robbery. The other perp — about the same height, with a slim build — was decked out in a green shirt and grey shorts. The suited suspect spoke in Spanish, demanding the victim's money. When the victim replied that he did not have any money, the suited suspect broke a beer bottle and used it to slash the victim's left arm. The suspects took his $20 Heineken shirt and $200 from his pants pocket, then fled the scene on foot. The victim called 911 to notify police, but refused medical attention. If you already have a suit, why steal the man's T-shirt?

This victim did not have a bicycle, but if he had, the perps probably would have taken it.

July 11, 9:05 P.M.: Next! A 30-year-old victim parked her bike on her screened-in porch before she went to sleep around 1 a.m. July 9. By the time she woke up at 9:30 a.m. someone had stolen her 1999 candy apple—red Mongoose bicycle, reports state. Officer Morton was dispatched to the 500 block of Broadway Avenue to scrutinize the scene: "My investigation revealed that unknown suspect(s) used an unknown object to rip the screen on the west side of the porch in an attempt to gain entry, but to no avail. The suspect(s) then … cut a hole in the screen door near the latch," reports state. The perp(s) fingered the hole, unlatched a hook securing the door and jacked the $750 Mongoose. The scene was processed for fingerprints "but met with negative results," reports state.

Attention cyclists: Be on the lookout for a guy brandishing a broken beer bottle, in a black suit and tie, wearing a Heineken shirt and riding three bicycles in the greater Orlando area. Over and out.

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