July 15, 2:54 A.M.: Try explaining this one to your cellmates: Several officers — including two horse-mounted police — were clearing the 50 block of West Central Boulevard of partiers when one suspect became unhappy about being herded around. Officer Pickett observed the suspect "look back at the police horse and exchange words with Deputy Chief Bernal" who was mounted on "Miracle"; the perp kept slowing his pace from the rest of the crowd, then turned around and snarled, "The horse better not bite me or I'll sue," reports state.

Finally, the suspect slowed down to a near stop. When Miracle nudged the suspect to keep him moving with the rest of the crowd, the suspect spun around and punched the horse in the face. Our equestrian officer reacted to the punch by "head-butting the suspect to the left," reports state. Officer Pickett arrested the suspect "for battery on a law enforcement officer horse." Reports do not indicate whether or not Miracle is planning to sue.

July 15, 4:49 A.M.: This next case makes a good argument against engaging in priggery. Officer Montes was dispatched to the 800 block of South Ivey Lane in reference to a residential burglary and vandalism. The 33-year-old victim came home after an outing between 5:20 p.m. July 14 and 4:30 a.m. July 15 to find her front door unlocked. The officer's investigation revealed suspect(s) unknown used an unknown object to smash the victim's kitchen window, reached in, unlatched the window and crawled into the victim's apartment.

Once inside the perp(s) broke holes in hallway and bedroom walls, then spray-painted the fish tank, kitchen cabinets, walls, pictures ... pretty much the entire apartment. "The unknown suspect(s) wrote messages like, ‘stupid bitch,' ‘one thing to be fucked with,' ‘police bitch,' ‘dumb bitch' and also ‘4400,'" reports state. Nothing appeared to be missing; total damages are estimated at $5,000. The victim told police she thinks she was targeted because: "She is always trying to make the neighborhood a better place ... she likes to talk to all the children in her neighborhood about her church. She advised apparently the neighborhood does not like that idea." D'ya think?

July 15, 6:11 A.M.: Two brothers were staying at the Vacation Lodge on the 700 block of South Orange Blossom Trail before their departure to Puerto Rico. Thirty-one-year-old brother No. 2 — reported to have a history of cocaine use — went to get a Diet Coke and left the door open behind him. While brother No. 2 was gone, 39-year-old victim/brother No. 1 was visited by "a black male with braids, wearing a black shirt and jeans ... 5 foot, 10 inches, 210 pounds, in his late 20s, with light skin" who "entered the room and pointed a gun in `the victim's` face," reports state.

The perp demanded the victim's pants. Kinky? Not so much. The victim told the perp, "Take anything, I have kids!" and locked himself in the bathroom. The perp fled the scene with the victim's khaki pants, which contained "$3,000 cash, credit cards including approximately four Visas, three Mastercards … a Discover card … and the keys to his Escalade," reports state. Total estimated value of the heist: $3,010 ($3,000 in cash; $5 for the pants; $1 each for the credit cards and keys).

What ever happened to brother No. 2? "`He` did not return while we were there and had been gone approximately half an hour," officer Bledsoe's report states. Maybe it wasn't "diet" coke he went out for.

July 17, 12:07 P.M.: Officer Yuhas was dispatched to the 1000 block of West Jefferson Street in reference to a residential burglary. She met with the 67-year-old victim, who relayed that while he was sleeping between 10 p.m. July 16 and 10 a.m. July 17, suspect(s) unknown sneaked through his unlocked bedroom door and plucked his wallet out of his pants. He told the officer that he placed his pants — containing his wallet — on the floor before he went to bed. The victim stated that he shares the house with three other roommates, but doesn't believe his roommates stole his wallet; however, he is unaware whether or not one of them left the front or back doors unlocked.

The pilferer(s) made off with his wallet ($1), driver's license ($1), green card ($1) and $7 in cash. A search of the area and an investigation for fingerprints "met with negative results," reports state.

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