Sept. 1, 9:55 A.M.: Officer Yuhas was dispatched to the 2300 block of Upper Park Road and met with the 24-year-old complainant regarding a commercial burglary. It appears some time between when the place closed 8 p.m., Aug. 31 and it reopened 9 a.m. Sept. 1, suspect(s) unknown gained entry to a storage room and stole an array of heavy-duty electrical stuff, including an 800-amp meter switch, two 4-meter can stacks, one 2-meter can stack, a 100-amp meter box, a 125-amp main lug GE panel, a 200-amp main log GE panel, a 30-amp safety switch, a 60-amp safety switch, a 70-amp fuse, two 30-amp fuses and a box of hardware. The total estimated value of the items stolen is $2,945.

That's a lot of heavy-duty electrical equipment. How did the perp(s) gain access? According to the report, the room where the items were stored "has only one way to enter it, which is a doorway, and the door has not been installed yet." Oops.

Sept. 3, 2:13 A.M.: On the 2000 block of Jacobs Place, Officer Gabriel responded to a reported shooting. A 15-year-old complainant told police he was "at Barkers Park when a white car approached him and an unknown black male pointed a black handgun at him in an attempt to rob him but shot his left hand instead." The officer suspected the "victim" was insincere about the incident because his story "had several inconsistencies."

Officer Gabriel noted in the report that he and Officer Sauvage were on preventive patrol in the area the complainant alleged the attempted robbery took place. The officers would have seen the complainant cross the street. The juvenile was transported to ORMC for the gunshot wound to his left hand.

Police called the victim's mother and informed her of the goings-on. She was apparently more stunned that her son would be on Jacobs Place than she was about him being shot. Whaa? "Apparently, this was the second time `the complainant` had been shot accidentally," reports state. "Two years ago, he shot himself on the left side of the neck." With this new information, the officer confronted the complainant about the discrepancies in his story and the kid spilled the beans. "He stated he shot himself while walking on Carter Street. ... He then threw the firearm away into the lake next to Jones High School," reports state. Third time's a charm, hero; better lay off the pistols until you get a firearms safety course.

Sept. 3, 7:17 A.M.: How not to file a police report: Officer Gribble was in the process of recovering a stolen vehicle on the 700 block of West Robinson Street when a 19-year-old man approached him. The victim told the officer "approximately four versions" of how he'd just been robbed. After the officer prodded the victim about the inconsistencies in his story, the victim finally told the real version: "He was dropped off in the area of Garden and Robinson by a friend to purchase some marijuana." The victim said that when he approached a man he thought was holding, he got jumped.

During the struggle, the victim lost his sunglasses and cell phone while the perp took the his wallet and removed a $100 bill, but did not take the wallet. The dealer hopped on his getaway bicycle and pedaled away from the scene. This is when the victim found the police officer. He filled out "a sworn written statement" regarding the botched drug deal, but refused to cooperate any further. He only wanted his sunglasses and cell phone back, so Officer Tindall gave him a lift to where the incident occurred … no shades or phone to be found. Total losses were estimated at $102.

"`The victim` requested to be dropped off in the 700 block of North Westmoreland Drive and did not want to cooperate any further with this investigation, therefore, this report is being generated for informational purposes only," reports state. Question: At what point did the victim sober up and notice that he was complaining to a cop about getting jacked while trying to buy weed?

Sept. 3, 9:34 A.M.: Sometimes you just gotta have a steak. Officer Nazario was on patrol when our 36-year-old victim/business owner stopped him in the 800 block of North Mills Avenue to report that her business had been violated. The complainant stated the business had been secured and alarmed the night before at approximately 11:30 p.m.

The officer's investigation revealed that suspect(s) unknown had used a brick to smash their way through the front glass door, causing approximately $1,000 in damage. Inside the establishment, the officer noted that several bottles of wine and beer were tampered with, and there was a white towel on the floor stained with blood. The complainant, after conducting an inventory, found that in addition to the wine and beer, there was also a tray of tenderloin steaks missing. "It was apparent that the suspect(s) had attempted to cook the steaks in the kitchen area. Among the items that were opened was a bottle of wine, a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bottle of beer. There was also a cigarette butt found in the bar sink and kitchen floor," reports state. Total estimated cost of booze and food: $500. The report does not reflect whether the perp(s) left an 18 percent gratuity. We're guessing not.

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